I don't know why I like gut punches, but I have to live with it

Since I was 11 I have a weird fetish, which is liking gut punchs, I would love to know why, and I find it weird for that. I like to take gut punchs from man to man, but I am not attracted to the p****, appeals to take punches. I don't think it's cool, in fact, some people have already found me crazy, I had to deprive myself of it. In Brazil, it's unusual for people to like gut punch, it's not like in the US or Japan, it makes me feel a bit lonely. In all my life, I've never met anyone who liked it. Sometimes I just type Gut Punch on YouTube and watch the news, every week new video, since I was 11 years old is like this. When he throws a cool one that the guy almost throws up, I imagine myself being him, and m*********. The bad thing is, I can't feel h**** in the same video after the third time. I may sound a little crazy, but if I could give everything I have to not feel that h**** and be a person with normal thoughts, I would. I've deprived myself of months without it, following recommendations from church people, yet the thought comes back. Am I going to h*** for having these kinds of thoughts? Since I saw that this was hurting me I pray to God not to feel this crazy desire anymore, but my pressures are not met, does this feeling of liking gut punchs have a purpose? In the videos of this theme, what excites me most is when the guy who takes the punches is friends with the other who is beating, because he respects the limits, another strange thing from my strange head. Well, I've wasted thirty minutes of my life writing this, but now I'm feeling better just by knowing myself better, I know no one is going to read this much s*** I typed, but still, thanks for the opportunity to type what I I'm feeling !

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