Unrequited Love... X2

I'm in love with my best friend. Yes, a total cliche, I know. It's not like WANT to have these feelings for him. In fact, I wish I could stop. But it's hard to stop something that's been deepening for 4 years, to quit it cold turkey. So I've been trying to wean myself off him, sort of. Well, it's not working. I'm weak. Just when I think I'm moving on, I do something stupid, like talk to him. And then I realize how easier it is to breathe... it's not until after I feel that pressure lift that I realize there was ever any pressure there to begin with.

There's another guy, that I'm starting to like. And it feels like I'm cheating on my best guy friend, in some weird way. I guess I feel that if I love him as much as I claim to, and if I can possibly like someone else while loving him, what's that say about me? Am I fickle? Disloyal? Stupid? I'm not sure... but I do know I like this other guy. And I WANT to like him. I've been developing a crush on him for a few months now, and although it's nowhere near love, that's what I find so thrilling and magnetic about it. I mean, if we ended up together, somewhere along the road I might find myself falling in love with him. But at the moment, I don't see that. And it's a relief. I know I'm not ready to love someone else just yet. But I can still like someone enough to distract me (however temporarily) from thinking about the guy I DO love.

I'm sure you think I never plucked up the courage to tell my friend how I feel, and now it's too late. Wrong. He knows. He's always known I liked him, and I'm sure he noticed that I was falling in love with him well before I realized it myself. I've never pushed my emotions on him. I've just made it clear to him that I'll always be here, that when all the rest of the world walks out, he'll still have me. I've stressed that I just want him to be happy. And now he is. He has a girlfriend he says he loves, and they've been together for a few months now. I'm happy for him, I really am. But some part of me feels hollow, empty, knowing that I put so much into caring for him that I never gave anyone else a REAL chance. But when you love someone, you know when it's time to let go, and let him be happy. All this time, I've never really thought about myself, never tried to take him or claim him or anything. I've always tried to help him be happy. I've supported him in whatever he's done. I've been pretty much selfless as far as he's concerned. And the girls who saw something they wanted and who grabbed for it got it. They got him, and I didn't. And now it's too late. But he's happy. So that's ALL THAT MATTERS.

Except... I'm not happy. And as insignificant as that is next to his happiness on my list of priorities, I want to be happy. This other guy, well... he's a great guy. He's smarter, nicer, funnier, more attractive, and all in all better for me than my best guy friend could ever be. Not that it makes me care for him any more... but he's the kind of guy that parents would LOVE their daughter to be with... and the daughter would actually agree. He's absolutely amazing, he's single... and he doesn't know I like him.

I know that I don't need a man to be happy. I'd probably be better off without one. But I'd like to experience the joys of teenage dating before I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not the shallow type, but I'd like to find a guy whose personality and possibly appearance, but personality is way more important and will (in the end) feed my cause, will be strong enough that I won't be distracted with comparing him to my best guy friend. The guy that I LIKE is such a guy. When I'm around him, I can forget about the guy I love for a while. I see HIM. not someone I've been crazy about for years.

But he intimidates me. He's just too... great. Too perfect-seeming for me to be brave enough to talk to. And for all I know, it's probably not even worth it. I'm a chicken. A big fat chicken. Bawk Bawk.

So.. I have his phone number, though he doesn't know I have it... my friends say I should text him or something, initiate a conversation. but I'm afraid. again, the chickenness. I know what I'm going through is pathetic and trivial compared to other secrets and issues on here. But there's a lot of crappy stuff going on in my life that NOTHING can fix. This is the one thing I have control over. So please.. what should I do? Should I try talking to the guy I like? try moving on? what do I say, what's a good excuse to text him or whatever? Or should I stay waiting in the wings for the guy I love, until he decides he's single again, if he ever is? Or should i forget them both and do whatever, forget about having one fun teenage DATE? Gah... Please, and thank you in advance. And for those of you who have managed to read this entire thing, bless you. And thank you for putting up with my rambling. =)

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