I’ve had it

I’m at a point in my life where I am facing a major choice, either go on as best as I can or face institutions and death.

How many people understand the tearing nature of paranoia? How many people understand the nature of betrayal? How many understand the nature of bad blood?

There’s a sickness that boils me on the inside. It’s like a volcano that silently sits, silently waits, patiently waiting.

I’m not sure what drives this storm, love, hate, guilt, shame, abandonment, attachment, but whatever it is it comes out as fear. This fear that is misdirected is like a virus infecting it’s hosts without them even being aware.

It is this fear that makes me dangerous. It winds my mind up and twists thoughts around. It’s difficult to control perception when it has its sharp talons in me. Like a devil whispering in my ear and kissing me on the cheek it offer me sweet lullabies and then wishes me dead.

The cure for this suffering is also the cause. A vicious cycle of pleasure and pain. A thing that is working towards but against in the same sense.

There must be some green pastures to lay this weary soul upon. That is what I seek. This is my confession. I am longing for death.

This thing called life, so pretty, so cheap. All the many moments that either set us free or cut us deep. I’m about ready to sleep.

Should I fall asleep please speak to me so that I may hear your voice. Should I lay my soul down to sleep light a candle if you weep so that I may cast my gaze upon you at least one last time.


Apr 1, 2020

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  • I feel very similar to your situation. I f***** up and confessed to a dear friend. Haven't heard from them since. ( well actually once but not in person)

  • May k make a suggestion, we all die. All of us will die eventually so -let's do something unique in the mean while?!?! Dieing is coming to those we wish it not to as well. As for the struggle you are in...temple of God within, and if we don't go within, we go without....maybe focus inward for a moment cause yea if you fall into the way of the world...they are all walking to their deaths. I was too. Unaware. But if we wake up and get out of the bullshit, we might see it's our hands that make cheap things. Life is priceless. God bless. I pray for your peace of mind and heart. And clearity in your journey

  • F***** if I know man but gee I feel for you. Good luck in making decisions and life ahead.

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