When will the pain end...

I'm drowning in loneliness and emotions, and have been for most of my life. I'm depressed but too much of a piece of s*** to tell anyone about how I need help. I put on a fake smile to everyone but myself, silently glaring at my reflection in any mirrors I pass. I no longer have many mirrors to look at.

Everyday I look the people I know in the face with a bright smile. I could get an actor of the year award I'm so good at pretending. I don't like to be with other people, just in case they find out I'm more broken then they thought I was. Or more then they could imagine I was. Everyone says, "Oh, I know them so well!" yet, they can't even tell that I want to off myself and think about it everyday.

It's gotten to the point that I fear people will find out. I mean, imagine, it's illegal to commit suicide and you get locked up in a mental hospital for seriously thinking about it. What a great way to get help huh-? Every time I tell someone a little bit about what's going on, they always look at me differently, like I now have a note on my face saying 'broken'.

I like it when it's Halloween, I get to be something other than myself. If I'm lucky enough, people don't even know it's me.

I wonder... when will the pain end...