[TRIGGER WARNING] i don't want to live anymore

[If you didn't take the warning seriously, then let me emphasize, this is a vent, a really triggering one that mentions suicidal descriptions, depression, dysfunctional family and just, really triggering stuff, that and I'll be expressing my religion, please don't read if you're easily triggered by this because I really don't want to create any more trouble for anyone than I've already caused, stay safe, I love you]

I'm done. I really am. I'm so close to committing suicide now.

I've caused too much pain, trouble and etc. I'm not smart, but I like to pretend I am for the sake of making my parents happy, parents? Parent? I don't know if I can call both of them my parents, one isn't really biologically related to me and the other isn't really there.

The first one hurts me a lot, the other puts too much on my shoulders.

I dislike the first one a lot, the other one I hate but love at the same time.

I love my dad. I really do. But I used to be so angry at him, now I just, I just want him to get me out of here. Or maybe I don't.

Maybe I don't want to cause him any more trouble.

I'm too much of a high maintenance person. I feel like I'm too much of a burden. A baggage that should just be casted away. I'm not really needed, am I? I just help people because I want to feel valued anyway, I just cater to everyone's needs because I don't want to feel useless.

I'm not smart, I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to let anybody worry about me anymore.

My education is useless, and worthless, they're all putting too much faith in me to graduate. With my current warped state of mind? With this broken soul? In this damaged body? That hardly seems possible.

I'm not even good at Math, and it seems I'm not even good at English too.

God, I'm useless.

Maybe it would've been better if I was never really here in the first place. Maybe if I just didn't exist, things wouldn't be so heavy for everyone. I mean, imagine, my sibling would be gifted with all the electronics I used to have. And maybe my death would finally get my dad to act and get my sibling out of this place.

My dad deserves a break, my existence is too costly, he doesn't need me around, does he?

Anyone could easily take the place I left in everyone's life. Anyone could pick up the tasks I needed to tend to.

And everyone can forget about me and move on. Did I really hold any value on this Earth, O Lord?

Did I? Please, I beg of You, would You be so kind and let me come home?

..

Why am I so f****** broken. God, I'm so sorry for wasting this life of mine. I don't deserve the things You've blessed me with. I tried so hard to pretend I was getting better. I convinced myself I was. In the end, it's still the same, I'm still the same, or maybe, I got worse.

God, I know You tried to get me to stick around, to live, to be happy, to enjoy myself, and I'm so sorry for everything I've done.

I'm going to die. I'm going to take this life you've given me. Because I can't bring myself to ask for help. And I know You tell me to reach out, but it's so difficult. I know that You're placing these wonderful people in my life so I could reach out to, so I could get better, but my refusal is stopping my progress to a halt.

God I'm so sorry. Please tell everyone I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not trying hard enough. But I'm tired. And even when it's not my time to go, even when I haven't even reached adulthood yet, even when I'm still too young. I can't see my future.

And I love them. Some of them anyway.

And with this, the last thing I'll ever write about my feelings. I bid adieu.

3 Comments

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  • You sound just like my younger sister, always waiting for others to 'save' her from the consequences of her choices. She loves me for being her support system through 2 failed marriages and has felt exactly like you articulated.

    1st - shake off the victim-hood syndrome and become your own person, woman and soon, a success story!

    2nd - DO ask for help...it's available for free nearly everywhere on anonymous phone helplines.

    3rd - volunteer somewhere where you can make a difference. Seeing others, either in your position or worse, can become a life-changing venture you will value and remember forever. Knowing we can make a difference in the lives of others is essential to our own self esteem. You will soon see the treasure your life really holds for others longing to see you.

    4th - and likely one of the most important, seek out people who inspire you. Your story, like so many in dire straits, stems from some void in knowing good mentors and integrous people who don't have ulterior motives for helping you. Every person on earth has a unique gift and value to those lucky enough to have ever known them...you included. Seek them out, but not with any strings attached...unless they are requiring you drop any 'bad habits' you've leaned on which are likely holding you back from blossoming into the amazing person within you that you have yet to discover.

    An echo from the first reply...you are loved.

  • I love you xxx

  • Hang in there. You're young and I know you're hurting. Life hurts a lot when you're young. I been where you are. Just give it a chance to get over that hill

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