I hate myself

I dont have friends, throughout my whole life I had to excessively follow people around to even attempt social stuff. If i stopped, nobody gives a s***. Maybe I'm too quiet, maybe I'm too weird for everyone, maybe i lost what it meant to be a social human being. I don't even understand people most of the time. Why is that joke funny? Why do you react like this? What is so cool about that s***? Why do i only feel emptiness? I'm just a bad "friend", am I?

Everyday I deluded myself that these people in particular are different, there's always more fish in the sea eh? It doesn't matter, throughtout my entire life, with people from various places and background never accepted me as anything but a stranger. I don't even want to think about my love life.

I hoped I never left God years ago to become an atheist. Things might be different. I will actually have a being to complain to, and a glimpse of hope that my wishes are fulfilled. Now I only feel jaded and hopeless, stuck in this pit of self-hate. Why did I dived deep into Islam and its origin? Why didn't I stop?

There's times where I wish I can just sleep forever. I felt tired and almost fainted during sahur. Exmuslims get curbstomped by everyone in this country, so I have to play pretend being a "muslim". f*** ramadhan. My face and body hurt but I can't stop scratching it. Sometimes I sleep late because I had to endure the burning pain and clean the blood and pus. I like to think this is just a temporary bad luck, and nothing more than that. I hope the meds will get rid of this crap soon. Otherwise, I'll have to wear gloves all the time so there's no more bleeding.

Sometimes, I feel glad that alcohols are strictly controlled by the government. I could have become a drunkard and die in the streets.

Apr 13

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  • I'm in the same situation. I'm an ex muslim girl in a muslim country. Wish i could talk to you. Just know, you are not alone. There are thousands like us.

  • Get off your backside and make things happen. The world.owes you nothing.
    It's all down to you.
    Stop b******* and do something about your situation.

  • A few years ago, I would have posted something just like this. But, I did things to better myself. I got up off the couch, went out, and did things. You control your destiny, and you're the only one that can make your life better.

  • In 2018 I was in an accident that left me paralyzed and in a wheelchair. For the last 3 years, I have for the most part been alone. Reflecting over my life I have realized I gave my time and heart to those that wouldn't give me their day-old p*** in a bottle.

    Do you want happiness? Learn to enjoy your own company. Live for you, go places you want to go, do the things you want to do. Once you realize you are your own best friend then everyone is just in the way.

    I once heard an old man say that "When a man gets to a point in his life he says it is what it is then walking away without another though, that man is dangerous". There is nothing else this world can do to him. He no longer worries about those things he can not control.

    In other words, F*** The World. FTW!! Good luck.

  • You really are a boring person.

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