I hate myself
I dont have friends, throughout my whole life I had to excessively follow people around to even attempt social stuff. If i stopped, nobody gives a s***. Maybe I'm too quiet, maybe I'm too weird for everyone, maybe i lost what it meant to be a social human being. I don't even understand people most of the time. Why is that joke funny? Why do you react like this? What is so cool about that s***? Why do i only feel emptiness? I'm just a bad "friend", am I?
Everyday I deluded myself that these people in particular are different, there's always more fish in the sea eh? It doesn't matter, throughtout my entire life, with people from various places and background never accepted me as anything but a stranger. I don't even want to think about my love life.
I hoped I never left God years ago to become an atheist. Things might be different. I will actually have a being to complain to, and a glimpse of hope that my wishes are fulfilled. Now I only feel jaded and hopeless, stuck in this pit of self-hate. Why did I dived deep into Islam and its origin? Why didn't I stop?
There's times where I wish I can just sleep forever. I felt tired and almost fainted during sahur. Exmuslims get curbstomped by everyone in this country, so I have to play pretend being a "muslim". f*** ramadhan. My face and body hurt but I can't stop scratching it. Sometimes I sleep late because I had to endure the burning pain and clean the blood and pus. I like to think this is just a temporary bad luck, and nothing more than that. I hope the meds will get rid of this crap soon. Otherwise, I'll have to wear gloves all the time so there's no more bleeding.
Sometimes, I feel glad that alcohols are strictly controlled by the government. I could have become a drunkard and die in the streets.