When I (AFAB trans male) was a still femme identifying preteen going through puberty I found that I had a smoking fetish. I’d watch fetish videos of people smoking with favor for the ones of people smoking their first cigarette.
Back then, due to being raised in a cult-like religion, I wouldn’t m********* though I would watch these videos every time I felt h**** and it relieved some of the feeling. I knew what I was doing was already wrong on multiple levels for the religion but I couldn’t bring myself to touch myself.
Back then I wanted so badly to smoke myself, become a smoking fetish model - I’d think about it whenever I was getting in bed for the night.
As I got older my attention drifted to other fetishes like pants messing, the first time I actually masturbated was to that fetish. I’d thought my smoking fetish was gone and maybe for a bit it was. Then, this year, an adult now and I come across a pants messing video and while that person is getting off they’re smoking a cigarette. Suffice to say my fetish was re-ignited.
Now I find myself again wanting to smoke - I’ve never smoked before. I know it would be a terrible idea for me, in the past my doctor suspected I might have asthma though we were never able to trigger another attack after the first (thus I never received an inhaler). Smoke kills my throat incredibly fast - at a camp once I could barely sing the camp songs at campfire because of the bonfire going - I wasn’t even that close to it. The same has happened with small campfires and roasting s’mores - I get to where I can barely speak being around it. Other people in my family have a similar issue.
But despite everything saying it would be a bad idea - more than just the usual ‘smoking kills’ - I still want to. Part of me, stupidly, wonders if it might make my anxiety a bit better (I’m medicated but still struggle with it). I want to adapt an attitude that’ll let me actually function as an adult and escape from the mental illness (PTSD and autism) that have been making it so hard.
I know it won’t help though.
I know it won’t help but I keep getting that thought ‘what if it does’?
I just wanted to get these stupid, irrational thoughts off my chest.