My Monster

I feel empty. Apathetic. I "have it all." I've been the good daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, a volunteer EMT, the daughter of a preacher. The pure person. A virgin waiting for her "prince."

But since I was three, there is something inside of me that wants to kill, to drink, to have s** with a woman, to con people out of their money without shame. I feel like people are so fake. I can predict them. They bore me. I can't read books or watch movies without knowing the next move. I can't enjoy myself, because I find whatever I do is such a waste of time. I usually entertain myself by thinking how wonderful it is to have my own thoughts...They would be appalled if they knew that instead of just saying hello, I was thinking about how I would kill them. If it is a girl, about how I would seduce her, make her fall in love with me, and then leave her (only to watch her heart break again and again).

I feel as though life is a game. A boring game. I've played the pieces, but I want to break the board and people and myself already. If I just had one year to travel, wild, and free. Doing what I wanted, who I wanted, and just not caring. Skydiving, base jumping, I've done it already. I want another kind of adrenaline. The one where you don't know if you will make it out alive.

Before I live for anyone else, for once, I am going to live for me. Careless. Without a trace. I need to be left alone and to live alone. To let the monster college graduation, no engagement, no i-banking. I don't want those things.

My apathy for the "good life" is all I feel. Not alive...

Jul 8, 2010

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  • What an ass. Really, You have no idea about anything. "Oh I want to run wild, I've thought about this and that, I'm so shocking!"
    Either do something or shut up, every single one of us can think about doing anything we want.
    Thinking about something, and actually doing something are two different things. Live a little, you might realize you do don't know a damn thing about life.

  • puhlease, can you freakin' be more melodramatic and pathetic?
    Yeah no is the answer. Lord knows you're the only person in the owrld that wants to "Take a Walk on the Wild Side (Thanks Lou Reed). Give me a break! Get a clue then get a life.

  • did you say your name was holden caulfield, eh? sounds cool.

  • ^ I agree, when you have to brag about all your accomplishments to everyone, well, not the best sign.

  • Even worse is when you have a searing need to share the most non-anything parts of your sad life as if they're special thrills that only you have the privilege to experience. Example: all of social media. Yes, humanity is pathetic.

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