I feel empty. Apathetic. I "have it all." I've been the good daughter, sister, student, girlfriend, a volunteer EMT, the daughter of a preacher. The pure person. A virgin waiting for her "prince."
But since I was three, there is something inside of me that wants to kill, to drink, to have s** with a woman, to con people out of their money without shame. I feel like people are so fake. I can predict them. They bore me. I can't read books or watch movies without knowing the next move. I can't enjoy myself, because I find whatever I do is such a waste of time. I usually entertain myself by thinking how wonderful it is to have my own thoughts...They would be appalled if they knew that instead of just saying hello, I was thinking about how I would kill them. If it is a girl, about how I would seduce her, make her fall in love with me, and then leave her (only to watch her heart break again and again).
I feel as though life is a game. A boring game. I've played the pieces, but I want to break the board and people and myself already. If I just had one year to travel, wild, and free. Doing what I wanted, who I wanted, and just not caring. Skydiving, base jumping, I've done it already. I want another kind of adrenaline. The one where you don't know if you will make it out alive.
Before I live for anyone else, for once, I am going to live for me. Careless. Without a trace. I need to be left alone and to live alone. To let the monster go...no college graduation, no engagement, no i-banking. I don't want those things.
My apathy for the "good life" is all I feel. Not alive...