[Abuse, Rant] Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

He was pushy. Overprotective. Suffocatingly affectionate. I knew he wasn't good for me, but he was the only person who made me feel wanted. He would listen to me and my problems. He would tell me that everything will be okay, and that he loved me.

I was blinded by love. I didn't notice how he was slowly secluding me, isolating me from my family and my friends. After I saw how bad he was, I tried to make my escape. I made the decision to leave without a word, not even a goodbye. But he was like a drug and I was already addicted to him. He made me feel as if I couldn't exist without his help.

One month went by. Two months went by. And suddenly, 10 months went by, yet I couldn't get him out of my head. I started regretting my choice more by the day. I started missing him, and convincing myself that I needed him again. So I ran back.

I knew something was wrong when he didn't say "I missed me too". I could tell he was resentful, bitter, and angry. But I was so lonely that I ignored it. I was just thankful that he accepted me like before. Only, it wasn't like before. I suddenly could do nothing right. I could say nothing without him, do nothing without his permission. My own thoughts were no longer my own. It was his choice, his rules, everything was his.

The prison I built for myself was no longer as comfy as it used to be. It was a cold concrete cell, supervised at all times. Instead of standing with me, he was standing on a pedestal, undermining my every move. His "I love you," meant nothing to me anymore. I knew he didn't love me. He loved controlling me, and watching me give in.

I eventually had enough. After three months, I found the strength finally sever the string that connected us together. But instead of letting me go, he tried to hold on tighter. "You're mine." "You can't leave." "You need me." "Only I can protect you". His toxic lies spewed one after another, only this time, I wasn't going to believe him. I left like before, but this time, I promised myself I would never go back.

It will be 2 years in May. Do I still love him? No. But I think even the best of us miss the worst of others.

-M

Jan 13

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