Rant of a lonely 19 year old

I'm so indecisive, I have no idea what I want and my mind's always changing, why can't I decide what I want in life and stick with it? Why can't I decide between being a fat gainer and a muscular himbo? Why can't I decide between wanting a daddy to care for me or a boyfriend to love me like any young couple and be cute with? Why can't I keep my mind on one person? Ejt do I keep losing interest after months and start wanting something different? When will this happen next? Why can't I be happy? Being solosexual makes me happy and p*** makes me happy but being single and seeing people around me having people makes me so sad and so alone. I just want to feel love and be happy but it just seems impossible... I'm not suicidal and I love life but right now I feel so alone. I have 2 close friends within a group of 4 and they're a couple and I 3rd and 4th wheel as a side character in their story, I'm so jealous of what they have, I want to be cuddled and kissed and go on dates, in fact I want friends. I want friends I can be open with, about my interests of which I have none. How can you say your interests are masturbation and p**********? Not that they're bad interests but who can I share that with that aren't online or are older men that don't fit your mold? I have no course mates, I have a few people I'll say hi to or give a smile and glance, but they'll always be in a group together and I'll be on my own, crippling under the weight of inferiority, stress and loneliness. But I have my flatmates, a couple of great people who all have other people. I just have me, and the people online who can easily lose interest in me and move on. I'll just be an icon on the never ending list of twitter DMS, or a faint memory from when you used to talk to people online with that account you've since deleted, or abandoned. Ive been taken advantage of too many times and it hurts to think back to the many "masters" who've captured my brain and demanded so much, for me to break free of their grasp and feel so much worse after. Why can't I have a boyfriend that fits every minute demand and contradiction my soul demands. Why can't that person be at my university, be into me and seek me out to pull me from this deep pit of abandonment?

Jan 23

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