I imagined murdering myself as a baby last night.

I have absolutely no self-esteem. I am a very lucid person with a good sense of reality. I can tell when my depression is causing me to wallow and when I am feeling normal and rational. In both circumstances I can find no positive qualities to myself. At no point in my childhood, teenage years, or brief adulthood have I felt sure of myself or confident in my abilities. I have been depressed since I was at least 12 and my lifestyle has not changed since. I am stunted for life and have no future.

Last night I imagined what it would be like if I could murder myself as an infant child. I immediately broke down into tears. Something inside me hates me that much that it would hold me back, tell me I am worthless, ensure I would fail, and conjure images only the most depraved lunatic should imagine, directed at myself. I was a baby once. I was an innocent, happy baby. And the thing inside me hates my happiness so much it would do that.

Last night I realized that I am my depression. I have lived as this hateful, spiteful, angry, childish creature for over a decade, because I was never in control. I cry thinking of my inner child. I have tormented it for no reason. Words cannot describe the things I have done to myself, with my inaction, with my time wasting, with my self pity.

Last night I realized that I am beyond help. No amount of therapy or positive thinking can save me. Platitudes enrage me at this point. It is far too comfortable being depressed than changing my entire existence. I am too mentally ill to survive but too lucid to be put in a home. I have 60 more years of torment and self hatred ahead of me.

Jan 30

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  • Dear one, some a****** legal aged person said or did something to you to make you think that way about yourself! They hate themselves and wanted someone else to feel their pain. Someone in their past deeply hurt them too! Curse them for hurting you! You have value and love to give, I bet your funny and kind. Use those gifts! You didn’t deserve what happened. I pray you’ll create a happy life for yourself. Doubts begone!

  • I once had a dream where I was murdered by my future self. Similar thing I guess

  • I THINK YOU HAVE SOMTHING THAT YOU NEED TO GET OUT LIKE SOMTHING SAD OR MAD JUST GET IT OUT I USED TO HAVE THE SAME THING THAT YOU HAVE AND IT WAS THAT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WASHOLDING MY BROTHERS HAND ON THE SIDEWALK AND HE WAS 1 YEARS OLD AND HE WASN'T LOOKING AND FELL AND WAS BLEEDING MY PERENTS TOUGHT HE NEEDED STICHES! I WILL NEVER FOGET THAT! I WILL NEVER DO IT TO MY HALF SISTER ETHER! :(

  • No get help you're nothing "beyond help"

  • Exactly what I think. He need help.

  • I say, get some therapy anyways.

  • Drama queen

  • You're right. Absolutely no self-esteem

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