Wife denies **

My wife has gone through menopause and my accident. She has made it clear no **, no talking about it don’t watch it. I did not realize I loved ** really bad. I can (not ) give it up so easily. I love to watch if I’m not engaging with my wife. But I found out I like watching the different sizes,shape, length of the male **. And I like watching Ejakulation and those lucky ones that can ** there own **. I have tasted my own sperm from her lips and from **. I would like her to explain what it feels like when I ** in her mouth. Does she feel each shot of sperm hit the back of her throat and is it hot and warm. Honestly I think I’d like to try it once. I’d know on the spot if I liked it or not. I know it tastes ok because neither her or I have complained. Well more later on my ** sucking experience. Of coarse it would only happen if I out live my wife. If she engaged me I would not be searching out my desires. But I’ll go the way of gay ** because I would not want another women. That leaves men to full fill my wants. I love my wife and so dream of her engaging me in ** or just talking about it. Sexually frustrated.