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My dark thought.
So, to keep it from anyone finding out who I am, I mean who would? I'm only going to say that I'm a minor. Stating one more thing. I am completely aware of all the things I am about to say and will not conduct them to IRL.
A while ago I was online browsing and chatting with friends, still a minor I was talking to older guys trying to be cool and all, they were aged between 17-20.
As much as I wanted male validation I tried to fit in as I could.
We started talking about gore, and the cartel, and ATM I was obsessed with true crime podcasts. I knew almost everything about how the killer worked, why they got caught and what they could've done not to. I share my knowledge to them and they instantly liked me. Most of them were high and just saying anything on theyre mind. Male 1 said they wanted to be apart of the cartel. and if anyone doesnt know what that is. it's a gang or organization thats basically goes off to kill people or sell drugs - stuff like that.
Male 1 started sending gore videos from the cartel, from men being chased from a truck and shot at to a women being decapaticed alive. I was sick to my stomach at first but then I kept watching whatever they sent to be cool. I grew almost this obsession of watching gore. I love it, hate the screams but other then that I've always love blood. When I was more younger I watched surgery tv shows of them cutting up people and seeing their insides, It was so interesting and I was just amazed. Back to the more present, I grew this obsessive addiction to gore and I couldnt stop almost. I had a friend who would talk about it making it seem normal to like it. I also had another friend who would edit gore videos and send me them, some being almost hours long. This was slowly feeding my addiction. For what? Validation.
Not to long ago I think it got worse. I was always in a VC screen sharing videos of gore, and just bursting out laughing because some guys face just got skinned off.
Then when things escalated I started things about the perfect murder. I knew I couldn't do it. I can't, I can't hurt my mom. I love her so much, but at the same time she makes me so ** mad, she constantly abuses me mentally and physically and it's just not fair. Why should I deal with her? Why should anyone. Now obviously I wont do it.
I can't even kill myself so why kill another person?
Most semi-normal to possibly even normal teens get into cringe ** like gore vids at one time or another, just try not to let it define you. The older guys you were seeking validation from are probably a bumch of neckbeards and not worth your time. There's nothing wrong with watching true crime stuff either, I love that stuff. But when you pretend to be learning ** about criminality and how to commit murder better, then you're gonna have a bad time. No one is impressed, its lame.
Just report your abuser to the authorities. Video or audio record it on your phone and show someone. Don't be a cringe lord/brooding anime villian and get arrested like all those faggy wannabe serial killers who always get caught.