I hate me
PPretty sure I'm some kind of lost groupie. I hate men and was asexual but that just dove straight out of the window...I used to imagine this tall, gangly rockstar type pretty boy as the main character in a novel I'm writing and I ran into him...or so it seemed...a year ago. He was exactly how I imagined the character to be (no details as it might give it away)...he was even a model & aspiring rock star. I jumped onto the bangwagon of supporters. He talked to me a few times and one day he started liking random pictures of mine and he must have read something because suddenly he was having a serious chat with me about how he wanted to help me overcome my self destructive behaviour and maintain sobriety...things I struggled with. He volunteered to make a wellness pact we would both stick to. He once fought a photographer over pictures I posted or something and I'm guessing he stirred up a lot of drama with his agency because they dropped him....I was cyber bullied but it did not impact me yet he was the first one to start a group asking everyone to get rid of the page....he always gave me advice...listened to me etc and I became a kind of personal assistant/main supporter/PR coordinator (unpaid)/personal diary...also he would send me selfies and countless other things....and one day he asked for my number and I gave it to him not thinking much of it...I woke up to d*** pics and videos of him masturbating. I was still pretty sure I was asexual at this point but we ended up discussing his d*** for an entire day....other than this things were as they always had been. His aunt started talking to me about him and people who knew him magically knew me too...he asked me to be supportive on all social media and told me I was the funniest person ever..he also encouraged me to get my writing published....we have sexted countless times. I don't think I'm asexual anymore and I used to write highly detailed erotica that would make people beg me for more but as soon as he sends me something or I see pictures my brain turns off...maybe because for some f***** up reason I have feelings for him....he recently complained he's sent me countless pictures and videos but has never seen anything of me other than the obvious body parts but not as much as I've seen of him. He's told me that when he's rich and famous he'll have a huge house hopefully and I'll have my own room, I'll be head of his PR...he's told me how meeting a well known female model on set for something and having her dressed in just a dressing gown leaning over him while she did something to his fringe gave him blue b**** and we ended up discussing that....I had to get him some pictures of her from a recent shoot while he made me imagine riding on his d***....(more videos...) I talk to 'fans' of his as one of them...some of them talk about him etc and I just find myself smiling and sometimes they ask me questions or suggest they know more than they let on. One of my closest friends and the only person I have confided in is jealous and confesses to it...often tells me not to respond to his messages but I can't not do that....I'm not sure what I am to him...I feel like s*** and heartbroken over the fact that I have picked up feelings for him despite his 'I f****** love you!' I'm just...stuck....I was tempted to send him something suggestive, a picture from me after everything he sent me but I chickened out because he's a flipping model and I'm just me....I'm so confused and I can't exactly tell anyone anything at all but it is making me sick. Sometimes I crave nothing more than his morning voice from the videos he sends me or I find myself wondering how his hair must feel or if his skin is warm.....I'm forcing myself to turn off my feelings because I'm very sure he's just using me and it's driving me crazy I can't talk to anyone about anything.