Only thing that makes me feel good is thinking about kms
I have a very supportive family and wonderful friends, a blessed life, and I have been feeling better than i ever have in my life. But the only thing that makes me feel good is thinking about killing myself.
I have a blessed life. I am pursuing my dream job, with my dream education. I have a loving parent, a best friend, a wonderful dog. The days aren't a torment like they used to be, after I became medicated for chronic depression. I eat what I want, I create what I want, I largely do what I want. I live a blessed life.
But I constantly think about dying. I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be dying. When I'm upset, it's the only thing I can tolerate. If I could delete myself from existence, 100% reliably, without hurting others, I would. I live a ridiculously blessed life, and all I want is to exit it. I want to give someone else the chance to live my life, to have what i have, and to see them succeed and not squander it like I have.
I feel guilty for thinking this and saying this.
When I'm upset, the first thing my brain shows me is an image of myself hanging. It works. I feel better.