Heavy post

Don't read if you are looking for something happy or of sexual content to read. I need to vent. TW: suicide

It's been 26 going on 27 long years... Ever since I was a little girl, I have been abused physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and then later, sexually. First, by my family until I defended myself and fled to live with my now ex-boyfriend, whose family was also psychologically abusive. After 3 years, things started getting physical between us, and I had to go back to my family (We have since forgiven each other and we continue to be good friends, oddly enough). This past year I have basically been trapped and confined in my family's home because I can't drive in a state where everything is nearly an hour away. I can no longer afford an instructor and I definitely can't afford a car. I hate my job. I work as a crisis counselor and it is an emotionally tasking and often thankless job that leaves me exhausted for the rest of the day. All of my friends moved away. It's literally just me in this house. I pay for my food, clothes, etc and contribute when I can. To cope with this loneliness, I began to smoke marijuana. I would take long walks away from the house while I did it, but the smell still came in and it caused problems between me and my mom, who continuously accused me of smoking inside the house when I never did. At the beginning of this year, in an attempt to be a "New year new me" kinda thing, I decided to quit. I quit alcohol, quit **, quit nicotine, quit weed... and I was very proud of myself, except that my mom was still accusing me even after 2 weeks of being clean. I've been putting up with her accusations for a year, distancing myself more and more, because my mom is a difficult person that tends to find problems where there is none. One day, I got fed up and decided to confront her. The confrontation soon turned into a physical assault with her attacking me first. I defended myself and left marks. Not understanding how the system works, I called the police thinking they would help since she targeted me first... I was the one who was arrested instead. My mom manipulated the situation in her favor and my stepdad backed her up to the point where now I even wonder what happened. Talk about gaslighting. Now, I wait for my second court date, where it will be decided what my punishment will be, with the worst consequence being jail... and with all of this happening, I've decided I no longer want to be here anymore. What's the point... It feels like all of my life I've been in jail, cooped up and isolated in a space with people that treat me poorly (I just mind my business and keep to myself... turns out that even not doing anything bugs people sometimes). I find it humorous that there's a chance that now there's a strong possibility I might just wind up in an actual jail cell... All because I was trying to defend myself against my abusive mom who has the same plot armor as Cersei Lannister. I'm sick of being a punching bag. I'm sick of being abused. I'm sick of being put in unfair situations where there is no justice. So I've decided that I'm going to do everything I love this month and spend time with my loved ones. and then I'm going to die either the day before my court date or the day of. I have 80 sleeping pills and I'll wash them down with alcohol. I have a sharp knife for good measure and I'm prepared to either drown or fall to my death. On the day of, I want to indulge in an edible, a jay, and set sail in the ocean after I've taken all of my pills. I've already made preparations to send my clothes to charity, split my money fairly to give to all of my loved ones, and give away my most prized possesions. I've told a few people, and they keep cutting me off, thinking I'll change my mind... people say it's selfish to sui i cide, but I think it's selfish asking someone to continue to suffer when they've already been suffering long enough and can't do it anymore. I'm the type of person that always tries to keep a smile on my face and for the most part, approaches life with a sense of humor. I try to be there for everyone, even if it's just to put a smile on their face, and sometimes I overcompensate... I've been strong. I've had enough. I can't see my life getting any better. I've ruined it. The first time I defend myself... and it turns out like this. I don't think the prosecuter will show me mercy. I doubt my mom will either. She's won. She always has. I've accepted it. I've forgiven for the most part. I'm just ready for all of this to be over now. I've lived a long life and with the bad, there was good... I got to experience to beautiful relationships with two wonderful, unique people, I got to fulfill my purpose with my job, I got to travel some, and I finally got out of my shell. I'm young, but this is enough. I can die in peace knowing I did more than I thought I was capable of. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Love all.

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