In love with someone I can't have

So here I am again, thinking about him, wondering how his day’s going. I feel pathetic sometimes, hanging onto to texts, phone calls and emails when it’s very unlikely to get beyond that. Big understatement there. Why? Because he’s married, Oh, and to make it worse, he lives in another country. Sometimes I feel like it’s a good thing at times, because then at least we can’t physically cheat, even though I’m quite sure I wouldn’t physically cheat, but then I haven’t met him yet, so who knows? I do wonder whether I’m in love, or just in love with the idea of being in love, but I can’t deny how he makes me feel. I get butterflies with every call and very often with emails and texts. A warmth spreads over my heart when he tells me loves me, and even when we’re just talking about any random rubbish. I even worry when I don’t hear from him after only… 2 days!
Sometimes I wonder why I’m even continuing this… Whatever this is, exactly. I feel so guilty sometimes on his wife, but I can admit that I’m too selfish to stop. Though I’m hurting myself in the process. So by now you’re probably wondering why, if he loves me, hasn’t he left his wife yet. My answer… I don’t know. He once joked that he can’t leave because she’d leave him broke, I wonder if that is the big issue here, or whether he is happy to continue his life as it is, because he’s not Unhappy enough to leave. I could never ask him to leave his wife for me, because I know what can happen, after a while we’d start resenting each other, wondering if we would have been better off with how things were before. Did I also mention he’s much older. Yes now you’ll definitely be thinking, if we weren’t so far apart, that he’d be just after s**. I don’t believe so at all, and I’m not being naïve either. We truly love each other, and there’s nothing we can do about it, because of his status, and we’re at different points in our lives. I’m not sure why I’m even writing this, I just feel like I need to express my feelings some how, as I can’t talk about it with anyone. I never believed people could fall in love over the Internet, but now I know first hand how very wrong I was. He was just as surprised to have found himself falling in love with someone so much younger than him, and having never met me in person. I don’t believe he’s normally the cheating type, I can’t prove this, but this is what I believe. He’s a lovely, funny, kind, and understanding man, and there is simply too much I love about him to describe right now. So for now, I guess I’ll be waiting for that next text or email. Still contemplating whether I should keep things as they are, try to see him, or stop it altogether. The third option sounds like the less heart breaking option for me in the long run, but it’s also the hardest one.

Jul 8, 2010

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