My husband had a stroke nearly three

My husband had a stroke nearly three years ago, it was discovered that he had bad heart and it threw a clot. His heart was in bad shape because for 10 years he had been abusing sudafed, taking 100 pills or more at a time just to get high. I saved his life by recognizing that he was having a stroke and got him to an emergency room right away. The E.R. doctors were idiots and told me that this was a T.I.A. We had already been there for more than 4 hours by then; I told them that there was nothing temporary about this and demanded another opinion. The upstart of this was that we did get sent to a better hospital where they did indeed confirm that it was a stroke. He had several medications started and a cardioverter-defibrillator placed in his chest. He was home in a week. I started him on his new diet, I began all the paperwork for his disability income and held him while he cried. I held my tongue while his family blamed his bad health on me. I gave up my perfect part-time job with the school, my Girl Scout Troop, My Cub Scout Den and other volunteer work. I picked up a full time job less than a mile away and continued taking care of everyone and everything, at first.

Then I realized I couldn't do it all. So I've given it up piecemeal. I am just too damn exhausted, especially after overtime. Two kids have grown and left home, leaving only two left. Half the work I think to myself. He doesn't cook, he nukes. He gained back all 40 lbs, forget the damn diet. He wallows in his freaking self pity. He doesn't discipline the two kids left. The youngest is getting bratty, no matter how how I try working with him, he is constantly angry. Who wouldn't be, their dad drunk half the time. I took back being a scoutmaster just to have special time with him. The daughter is hardly here, old enough to have her own life, will soon be gone. He rarely does laundry, only when begged. The house is filthy, a huge freaking embarrassment, but I am too damn tired to do it anymore, and they will all let it go again within days anyway. I hate instant food, I have lost 49 pounds, all of that within the first 16 months. I am angry all the time now. I just took on a new responsibility, something to take my mind off of all of this. But I am in soooooooo much pain. His depression. And then my 2nd sons depression. It has finally triggered a depression in me. I feel like I'm going down for the count. And I just can't afford to, I am the family's medical insurance and grocery money. I can't break down, too much is counting on me.

God how I hate them all for never giving anything back to me, never really being helpful, but especially him, my husband for putting me in this place. He abused his body to this point. His depression which he refuses to get help for. His freaking alchoholism. Sometimes I wish he would just die and get it over with. He is killing me by killing himself.


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  • how long ago was this? god so much has happened. my daughter was raped. nine months later she was attacked, but fought them off. it triggered a depression relapse, i dealt with the depression as long as i could before i began to break down, three years. i quit the awful fulltime retail and went back to my original part time job to give more time with my youngest son. i went away to work a summer job, made a LOT of money, and had the most glorious seven weeks. then i came home and realized just how s***** my marriage and life really is and I myself began drinking. my depression became worse and triggered a PTSD relapse, (i am a molest and rape victim). in December we were given notice that the apartments that we had lived in for almost a quarter of a century were to be demolished and i had to find an affordable place for us to live, during a recession. great. and oh my god, my life has even gotten worse than that since than. i survived a very close brush with death at my own hand. i didn't choose to survive either, and i'm still not sure it was the best choice of the man who saved me. and oh, i stopped being faithful to my a****** drunk of a husband. he doesn't deserve me.

  • I'm sure I'd like you as a peson if I knew you.

  • If you can, take a vacation from work, paid if possible, and go to a spa for a few days, or somewhere away from the house and the kids. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. It seems selfish, but it's the only way you'll be able to make it.

    The second thing is to make your husband and children share the load, or what point is there? You are a wife and mother, not a slave, and you are not there to serve them. Love has to be tough sometimes, or it's not love. It sounds like your husband expects everything to be done for him, but there are plenty of people in worse situations that live their own lives and provide for themselves. Give him a taste of what it would be like if you weren't there, maybe he'll get the point.

    If it doesn't work... you may have to do what my grandmother did. The brave woman took 7 kids and walked away from her marriage (they'd been married for almost 20 yrs). My grandfather quit his job and stayed home doing nothing. He even told her that as long as he had her he didn't need to work. She loved him, but she realized she deserved better. She and her children moved over 400 miles away, and she raised them by herself, even sending every single one of them to college. She's still here, as strong and determined as ever. You have to know when it's time to leave, for your own good.

  • this is a wakeup call for me to take care of myself so that i don't put that burden on my wife. but i know you have plenty of rewards in heaven. life is easier for others and harder for some. do hang in there. the lord won't give you more than you can handle. i will pray for you.

  • Gosh people suck sometiems huh? Hang in there and remember, God's the only one who can carry burdens, especially ones as big as yours. "come to me, all you who are weary ad burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:23

  • Please don't feel like you don't have a right to the way you feel. Everyone needs to vent and you picked a very healthy way to do that, instead of taking it out on your family. Now I have a hard suggestion for you. I know you love your husband but he needs to get help for his alcoholism before it kills him and possibly someone else. You need to tell him that if he doesn't do something about his problem then he needs to leave. His problem is making everything worse. Your children probably feel that there is no point in helping out because you continue to put up with your husband's behavior. Some people, this may include you, might be thinking that this is too harsh and that I don't know what I am talking about. I worked for a year as a counselor at a drug and alcohol rehab. I tryed to see the best in everyone but the fact is that those who knew that there family's would always pick them up were the ones that kept coming back. The clients whose family's told them enough is enough were the ones who were most likely to want help and to kick their problems. There may be set backs but there is a difference between helping and pretending that he can't change. Everyone is capable of change if they want it. If your husband truly loves you and your children, he should be willing to try, at the very least. Most importantly, remember to pray. God is always there for us and all we have to do is turn to him. He may not always give us the answers that we want but He always gives us the answers that we need.

  • wow. it sounds like you are bearing a huge burden .

  • With each and everyone of us comes a purpose. Sometimes we find it difficult to figure out what the h*** that is. But I promise if you really look past all the awful things life feeds us you will feel so much better. I know this because for the past "11" years I have been a single mom, raising 7 children on my own. Their father fell into the drug scene and became abusive. I picked up my children and left him with no money, no job and at the time no direction. My oldest at the time was 10 years old. My youngest was 5 months. Today, I am extremely grateful for all the blessings. My two older daughters 21 and 18 years graduated from high school, work full time and are going to school. My 17 year old son (god bless him for taking on the role of being the man of our family without being asked) will be graduating from high school this year. My 15 year old son is a freshman and the rest...14, 13 and 11 year old are in Junior high. I have tasted the bitterness of being a single mom. I know what it is like to be at the mercy of the welfare system and I have felt the pain of my children when I couldn't provide as much as they would have wanted me to. But I placed all my life and problems in god's loving hands and he carried me, he carried me my friend. He sent angeles to me through the years that have helped me to raise these children and he fed us and placed clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads. Has it always been glorious? No, I have faced many challenges and obstacles but I have never been without his grace. My children are not perfect they each have had to overcome their own obstacles but they are respectful and kind and today they are extremely grateful. I haven't been a perfect mother either, but the one thing that I can say for my self is that I never gave up! Please believe when I tell you this because I know your pain is real , "You can get through this, because you have been given a task that you have already been prepared for you just don't know it. Someone knew your heart and your strength and he gave this life to you because he knew if any body could do this, it would be you!!!!!

  • please, don't do anything to yourself. i know it must be hard, but there has to be a way to work it out. because of his health, you could try to get him on disability. then you could cut down on some of your hours. start setting up a chore chart. and to get your son motivated about it, you can set up awards of some sort, for each week that he successfully completes his duties. i promise things are bound to get better, if you truely want it. relax a little and smile!! i know it's hard, but do it for yourself and your family!!!

  • When I read this I hate myself even more. It all sounds so damn dispassionate. You can't even tell that I love my family desparately, my husband included. Someone should kill me now, cause I am too damn tired to do it myself. What a stupid freaking pity party I am throwing, just kill me. See how freaking worthless I am, I can't even kill myself.

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