I'm just a POS. No getting around it

I’m a Piece of Crap

First of all, I am a member of a Non-Denominational church
and I am a 39 year old woman with 3 grown sons and I was
married to their dad for 10 years and remarried 5 years
later to my current husband. We have been married for 9
years. Also, I have BIPOLAR! The rapid cycling Bipolar! I
hate it! It is basically under control.

To start off…I hate myself because I constantly do things
and think things that are awful. I attend church and try to
read my bible a lot. I pray and ask for strength to overcome
my sinful ways. I volunteer with Hospice and I am the one
that does all that “Christian” stuff. Everyone says that I
am too high on God to ever be angry and people believe I am
this wonderful Christian that God shines his light on
because they don’t know what goes on in my head. I have no
one, except God, to talk to about it because I am too
ashamed to ever even tell a counselor or my pastor. I know
that I would never tell them… ever.

This is no excuse, but I know that it may have something to
do with it. I was molested by my father from 7 to 16. I sent
him to prison for his crime and I have forgiven him. I have
forgiven him, but I still have some issues with s**. I don’t
have s** with the lights on or have s** during the day…ever.
Even when I had a super nice body I never would and never will.

I had s** with a woman when I was 21 or so and my best
friend and I kind of touched each other a few years back,
but I was so sickened by it that I began to study the bible
even more so and went to even more bible study classes to
drive the thought out of my head. The problem is that I
still have constant dreams/thoughts of me with a woman. I
also, sometimes, dream/think about my husband with another
man. My husband is nowhere near gay, so the thoughts and
dreams are way off base.

I also m*********, but I think that is mainly because my
husband is not a good lover. He, even after 10 years, can’t
give me an o***** orally or otherwise. He is just not any
good at it and I have tried to teach him, but he just does
not do a good job. I have done a lot of pretending because I
don’t want to hurt him. He was nearly 40 when we met and
married and had only been with 3 women and he did not get to
be with them that much. He is just a super shy man and when
we first started dating he was so unsure of himself and I
give him a lot of encouragement, but he only last for about
2 minutes. No matter what he can’t last for a very long
time. He is too insecure to go to the doctor about it and I
have asked him to a few times.

Next… I am not normally a thief, but I stole from someone I
love a couple of weeks ago and it is eating me alive. The
bad thing is I have been constantly thinking of stealing
money over the last couple of years. We make good money, so
I don’t need to steal. I am not any good at budgeting, we
get paid every two weeks, but we are almost always broke by
the end of the first week. We live in a mobile home, but we
are happy with our house and we are the kind of people that
just like to go camping, hiking, biking, and all that kind
of stuff. I love to paint and do crafts. We are modest
people and neither of us has ever wanted to be attorneys or
doctors or anything like that. We are just common and very
quiet people and I love it that way.

I don’t know what to do about my thoughts and, like I said,
I can’t tell a counselor or my pastor. NO WAY!
I am tired of having to ask Jesus for forgiveness every day
for the same stuff that I promise him I’ll never do again.
You know… I beg Jesus to forgive me and say that I will do
better and that I will pray more (like I’m supposed to) and
that I’ll never miss church anymore, that I’ll volunteer
more, and all that stuff, but I always fail. I know… we
can’t be perfect, but I just want to be good (Christian kind
of good). I can’t let God down again.
See, my brother does not believe in God (well, I think he
does, but he does not want to bow down to anyone. He is very

self-centered). My sister and her family of all grown girls
won’t go to church either. They scowl when I bring up Jesus
around them. They call me a Jesus freak! I LOVE it! So, I
have taken that little insult and have made it my tag line
in everything I do. I love being considered a Jesus freak.
Anyway, if they all find out about me then they will say
they were right. They can’t stand Christians because of
those that have been in the media.

When I found this site last night I was shocked because I
was thinking of creating one just like it because of people
like me that need to confess, but can’t do it to a person
face to face. I don’t know if this will count as a
confession since it is via internet or not. They say it will
on this site, but I’m sure you guys have doubted it as well
and know where I’m coming from.

Thank you for listening and you can comment if you like, but
please remember that one sin is equal to the other no matter
what it is…

God bless you and my God forgive us

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  • It would seem that all your troubles began with your first molestation. And it would seem that your writting is riddled with strategies to seperate your self from men - maybe because men have been defined by your father?

    I suspect that to be the reason behind your fantasy of woman-woman sexual bonding is because women have yet to be a threat and thus feel safe.

    And you feel guilty because you are a sexual human being - we all are.

    Your seeking the approval of God, but continually deem yourself as too sinfull because of certain litteral passages - you remain in conflict with.

    Women rarely recover from molestation, rape, and such - I've seen it a dozen times - they could be financially successful, and happy, then the next year their prostituting themselves overdosing on horoin.

    Women are so un-comprehensively damaged by rape, it almost seems to change their entire personalities for the worse.

    ---You need to seek proffesional help, spend a year if you have to to find a therapist your comfortable with.

    Because you are damaged, and your soul is damaged, and you have the un-realistic expectation of being righteous, and having a pure soul - not going to happen.

    And to do with your husband, the Bible only concerns S** as a spiritual bonding practice - like that of the holy-snactity of marriage -> Not getting off, having o******, and so forth.

    S** is far more broader in practice than optimal vaginal penetration, it is emotional, spiritual, and involves all aspects of touch, carressing, massage, as a prolude to intercourse.

    And stop focusing on specified pasrt of the bible, and start relating yourself in context to the over-all theme of the bible's intent.

  • Wow. All the Anti-God people out there are something. So unkind and they seem to have the desire to hurt others and I am so happy to no be among them. At least I have hope and they have nothing.
    No matter what I think, do, or say... I have Hope and if you don't have hope you have nothing.

  • ^^ Dumbass.
    "we" are not all sinners.

    No god = no sin.

    YOU believe in a magic sky fairy, so YOU'RE the sinner.

  • yawn...god didnt give you crap...

  • First, don't listen to the anti-religious nuts above.
    Second, You are pretty normal with respect to such thoughts and even most actions.
    Third, go a bit easier on yourself and your husband. there are books and techniques you two can try to overcome his issues. Make it fun and you take the lead, afterall if you can't get frisky with the one yuou love, who can you?
    last, It isn't the promise not to sin God wants from you, it is the desire not to sin and to strive for that goal. he knows we are sinners which is why we were given the sacraments of Reconcilliation and the Eucharist to strengthen us in our daily struggles..

  • Why are you worrying about what God thinks... there is no God you are just reading words in a book. Nothing in the bible is FROM god ... think about it... Religon is the reason we has human kind are so angry at each other why we have been killing each other over and over again for the past 150000 years. Accept that fact that you are human and you make human decisions and what makes you perfect is that you have flaws. That is what makes us all unique. NOT WHAT a book that was written 2000 years ago... THE Jesus freaks, the bible thumpes, the Zealots of ANY Religon are what is WRONG WITH THE WORLD. Let go

  • Nobody cares about you or your god.
    Go tell it somewhere else.

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