Dear Confessionpost: I have a severed head.

I'm keeping him in a jar. He's pretty cute. I've named him Ian.

The thing is, at some point after my discovery of Ian, we became lovers. I don't know how this happened. We just sort of slipped from platonic to romantic, without my even noticing. And then one day, I woke up, and realized "S***, I'm in love with a severed head called Ian".

But that isn't the problem. I can love him, even if he is just a head. The s** is pretty amazing. The problem is, Ian is getting increasingly possessive and demanding. He doesn't like me to go out except to pick up the fish food he lives on (I sort of sprinkle it into the jar. We tried bacon once but it made his hair greasy) and even chooses what I wear when I go out, so it "isn't too slutty". Almost everything is too slutty. He suggested a burkha.

It's not only that, but he puts a serious crimp in my social life. We used to have friends over all the time, dinner parties and everything, but these days all Ian will let me do is sit around, watching him bob in his jar or satisfying his increasingly grotesque and twisted sexual demands. Bondage, role-play, nipple clamps; you name it, we've done it. I have bruises in areas I never even realized existed. I want to escape, but I love him so much. He's so sweet, and caring. And I can't abandon our kids, mostly because they were born as floating heads and can pretty much follow me anywhere.

You guys solve everyone's problems; what should I do???

Yours, Housewife In Love With A Severed Head Named Ian.

Jul 8, 2010

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  • Well Housewife, first and foremost, you need to assert yourself! You have to do what is right for you and your floating head children. If you feel that Ian is too demanding at times, let him know this. If you feel that some of the sexual demands are too much, tell him kindly what it is that you like. Just sit him down on the nightstand and have a talk with him. I think you'll find that if you explain it to him kindly, without letting your temper go, he will be much more responsive. Tell him of your desires to have company over again. Maybe by reminiscing of the old times, you'll see that he wants things back to that way as well. If you continue to let him boss you around, you'll only be living for him. You must be happy too!
    Hope this helps.
    God Bless

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