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I intentionally cut people off and drown myself in **
Every time i become close with someone i become terrified with my own feelings and end up avoiding them and removing them on everything. there were times i told someone how i felt and they just said they understood why i felt like blocking them and it makes me feel like ** because i dont know how to properly process my feelings. i take out repressed anger and sadness on people online which just leads to a ** situation for most people i interact with. whether we are friends or not i will end up being an ** lol. its kinda fine since i enjoy doing stuff alone. the last time i had a meaningful connection with someone was 6 years ago but maybe that shouldnt even count since that was the person i began doing this ** to. i dont drink too often but i still drown myself in **. i have over a terabyte of ** at this point it's like my collection is just what keeps me going. 300+ ** games, 17,000 ** pics just things like that. i enjoy collecting it but i really think im just using it as an escape from how im usually feeling. i dont really feel bad about how i act towards ppl. while i was typing this i realised i am only really making this post for the interaction i guess. the fact someone, anyone might see a part of my life. ive also done some absolutely unbelievable acts which honestly i get scared thinking about myself doing, its not the kind of thing u confess anywhere. irl i have sort of just been an idiot forever but i am taking some courses and doing volunteer work now just to try and improve myself even if it's only a tiny bit. hoping the actual human interaction required will help. however online i get more depraved by the day constantly seeking out new forms of ** and ways to annoy people. i am not scared of being hurt by people, but i have been horrible to so many people at this point that i can no longer have deep connections with others as i seriously believe it would end with me being emotionally abusive. removing people and avoiding them is better than that surely? also i lied about liking being alone i still crave attention. need to go like right now so yeah thanks for reading. im selfish and was going to advertise like my discord or something to chat but yeah not worth it
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