I want to get pregnant and have a miscarriage.

I don't want kids. I don't want to have **. I don't want to go through childbirth. I don't want to blow money on an IVF or artificial insemination. They're super expensive.

I'm so highly curious about pregnancy, you couldn't understand. Just learning about it isn't enough. I'm already very educated on the subject. It's not enough. I want to feel it. I want to experience it. Truthfully, human pregnancy is a topic that has fascinated me since I was a kid. I used to not want to get pregnant because it sounded scary and I don't want kids and I was never interested in **. I still don't want kids, and I'm still not interested in **, but as the years go on my curiosity only grows stronger and stronger. Now I do want to get pregnant. I know it isn't pretty, but I want to *really* know.

Because I don't want kids and don't want to go through childbirth, and frankly, am still scared of some third trimester pregnancy symptoms, I wouldn't want to have a full pregnancy. I don't even want to get to the point of showing. I don't want a pregnancy body. I already have enough body image issues as it isI don't want kids. I don't want to have **. I don't want to go through childbirth. I don't want to blow money on an IVF or artificial insemination. They're super expensive.

I'm so highly curious about pregnancy, you couldn't understand. Just learning about it isn't enough. I'm already very educated on the subject. It's not enough. I want to feel it. I want to experience it. Truthfully, human pregnancy is a topic that has fascinated me since I was a kid. I used to not want to get pregnant because it sounded scary and I don't want kids and I was never interested in **. I still don't want kids, and I'm still not interested in **, but as the years go on my curiosity only grows stronger and stronger. Now I do want to get pregnant. I know it isn't pretty, but I want to *really* know. As well as, everyone's body is different, so every pregnancy varies at least a tiny bit. I'm insanely curious to know what my own pregnancy would be like if I ever had one, how my own body would respond to it. I long for answers to that question.

Because I don't want kids and don't want to go through childbirth, and frankly, am still scared of some third trimester pregnancy symptoms, I wouldn't want to have a full pregnancy. I don't even want to get to the point of showing. I don't want a pregnancy body. I already have enough body image issues as it is. However, I badly long to experience earlier pregnancy. I also want to experience getting attached to a "person" that doesn't exist, at least not yet. (An embryo). I could never understand what it's like to get attached to someone that doesn't exist, but is literally attached to you, to your body. To know that something is developing inside of you. To form an emotional connection with it. But I want to. I want to experience some emotional impact too. . However, I badly long to experience earlier pregnancy. I also want to experience getting attached to a "person" that doesn't exist, at least not yet. (An embryo). I could never understand what it's like to get attached to someone that doesn't exist, but is literally attached to you, to your body. To know that something is developing inside of you. To form an emotional connection with it. But I want to. I want to experience some emotional impact too. I think I probably would, despite not wanting to actually have itI don't want kids. I don't want to have **. I don't want to go through childbirth. I don't want to blow money on an IVF or artificial insemination. They're super expensive. I deeply desire pregnancy.

I'm so highly curious about pregnancy, you couldn't understand. Just learning about it isn't enough. I'm already very educated on the subject. It's not enough. I want to feel it. I want to experience it. Truthfully, human pregnancy is a topic that has fascinated me since I was a kid. I used to not want to get pregnant because it sounded scary and I don't want kids and I was never interested in **. I still don't want kids, and I'm still not interested in **, but as the years go on my curiosity only grows stronger and stronger. Now I do want to get pregnant. I know it isn't pretty, but I want to *really* know.

Because I don't want kids and don't want to go through childbirth, and frankly, am still scared of some third trimester pregnancy symptoms, I wouldn't want to have a full pregnancy. I don't even want to get to the point of showing. I don't want a pregnancy body. I already have enough body image issues as it isI don't want kids. I don't want to have **. I don't want to go through childbirth. I don't want to blow money on an IVF or artificial insemination. They're super expensive.

I'm so highly curious about pregnancy, you couldn't understand. Just learning about it isn't enough. I'm already very educated on the subject. It's not enough. I want to feel it. I want to experience it. Truthfully, human pregnancy is a topic that has fascinated me since I was a kid. I used to not want to get pregnant because it sounded scary and I don't want kids and I was never interested in **. I still don't want kids, and I'm still not interested in **, but as the years go on my curiosity only grows stronger and stronger. Now I do want to get pregnant. I know it isn't pretty, but I want to *really* know. As well as, everyone's body is different, so every pregnancy varies at least a tiny bit. I'm insanely curious to know what my own pregnancy would be like if I ever had one, how my own body would respond to it. I long for answers to that question.

Because I don't want kids and don't want to go through childbirth, and frankly, am still scared of some third trimester pregnancy symptoms, I wouldn't want to have a full pregnancy. I don't even want to get to the point of showing. I don't want a pregnancy body. I already have enough body image issues as it is. However, I badly long to experience earlier pregnancy. I also want to experience getting attached to a "person" that doesn't exist, at least not yet. (An embryo). I could never understand what it's like to get attached to someone that doesn't exist, but is literally attached to you, to your body. To know that something is developing inside of you. To form an emotional connection with it. But I want to. I want to experience some emotional impact too. . However, I badly long to experience earlier pregnancy. I also want to experience getting attached to a "person" that doesn't exist, at least not yet. (An embryo). I could never understand what it's like to get attached to someone that doesn't exist, but is literally attached to you, to your body. To know that something is developing inside of you. To form an emotional connection with it. But I want to. I want to experience some emotional impact too. I think I probably would, despite not wanting to actually have it.

I'm very pro choice, but I don't think I could go through an abortion myself if I ever got pregnant, as I do predict I'd form at least somewhat of an emotional connection with the embryo. An alien like one I've never felt before. I know I'd be thinking about how something beautiful would be developing inside me.
Even just strongly imagining myself in this scenario: Just found out I'm pregnant! What next?
Well, instead of panicking and going straight to get an abortion pill which would've been my answer just two years ago...
No, my feelings have changed a lot. Now, imagining myself in this scenario, I'd want to keep the pregnancy and see how it goes. I'd probably feel very happy seeing a positive pregnancy test, as if my lifelong goal had finally reached, even though I've only had this desire for less than two years. As it goes on, I'd begin to feel more and more happy about it. I'd talk to it, I'd bond with it, even knowing it's all one sided so early on, and it'd still make me happy. I'd always be thinking about how something beautiful is developing inside me. That that beautiful thing is a part of me. I'd begin to feel some kind of bond with it. Would the bond be real or just an illusion? I don't know, but I think I'd feel it.

However, even strongly imagining this very happy scenario, this still doesn't change anything else. I still wouldn't really, truly want kids, and I could never be a mom. I'd make a horrible mother. My only fear if I ever got pregnant would be getting too carried away in all those feelings and suddenly actually taking care of myself for the sake of reducing miscarriage risk and trying to keep the baby, not just the pregnancy. If I got pregnant and actually saw it all the way through, no matter how happy it'd all make me for that time period, it wouldn't last, and I'd only end up ruining both my own life and a random child's. That's not fair. That's extremely selfish. I don't want to do that. However, that still doesn't at all diminish my desire to get pregnant and experience pregnancy. Everything I said in the other paragraphs still stands. So I still don't think I could get an abortion even with all this in mind.

So, ideally, I want to get pregnant, make it to the second trimester, and then miscarry early into the second trimester, so I can experience everything I've been deeply wanting to, without ** up anyone. I don't know if it's also extremely selfish to *want* to have a miscarriage, since miscarriages are devastating for so many people. I'm not sure how having one would affect me emotionally. I don't know if I'd feel relief that I got to experience what I deeply desire without going too far, or if I'd feel a heavy sadness that I lost what made me so happy about it. But it'd be the best outcome for me if I ever got pregnant.

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