I wish my attempts worked

I tried to kms when i was 14, the only reason it didn't work was because my sister got home early from her job. I got taken out of school for a while and was instatusionalized for 2 weeks, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and early signs of schizophrenia. I got put on antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers and concentration meds. Im 16 now and everyone think im fine now but im not , il never be fine. People always tell me that il get better but their lying. My parents dont even know that the suicide attempt at 14 wasn't my first , my first was at 10. The notes would be written and my parents would be asleep and id either take enough pills to knock me out or try to hang myself, every time i would wake up the next morning disappointed after passing out. For years I've tried to kms and i couldn't even do it properly. I don't want to be alive , i despise myself and im disgusted with myself and i just want to die. I know some people will say its selfish but i genuinely think the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it. My parents wouldn't be so stressed and disappointed, my "friend" wouldn't feel like they have to hang out with me, I wouldn't annoy them , everything around me would be less inconvenient if i was gone. This isn't a vent or a cry for attention, I do think that I sould off myself and get it over with. Because as soon as i get the opportunity i would kms immediately, but I dont want my mother to think that its her fault, so im wating till im 18 to move out. Il get my own apartment in a kinda sketchy place a few towns over , but il tell everyone its a nice neighbourhood. Then il kms and make it look like a home robbery gone wrong. I don't want my mom to think that she messed me up , its not her fault, she deserves a better son.

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