I'm in love with two men
I have been happily married for 20 odd years. I love my husband dearly and have always been happy with our marriage. He treats me like a queen. He treats me better then I treat him.
A few years ago I had to get a new job due to financial difficulties. My husband knew my supervisor and the second in command (SC). He told them to watch out for me and take care of me. Well SC and I became very close after the first year. I was attracted to him immediately and as we became closer, I feel in love. I am a shy girl who never takes chances, but with him I am so different. I tell him things I've never told anybody. I feel safe with him and I trust him.
Thing is he is a cheater. He's cheated on all his wives and actually left the 2nd one for his 3rd wife. They have an awful relationship (I hear this from the supervisor who is his close friend). He also talks about her horribly. I've only heard him say he loves her 1 time and he was actually on the phone with her. She is mean (I know her coworkers), ugly, and an alcoholic (so is SC).
He's told me secrets and I know things about him that he is ashamed of. He is my best friend though my husband is as well. About a year ago we started flirting really hard and I actually was putting myself out there. I started the whole thing between us. He just didn't put up a fight. After a few months we took it to the next level. It scared me, but I couldn't refuse. I was already in love.
We started meeting before work for just a few minutes here and there. Long before this happened though his wife started accusing us of having an affair. I don't even know her. In a way I think she pushed him towards me. I don't know if he's in love with her or not. He's told me that he loves me as a friend. He tells me I'm important to him and he talks about our future together and even about what we will do when his wife dies. He tells me these things after he's been drinking so I don't know how to take him. I asked him about it, asking if he would even be upset by her death. He told me he would be sad if she died. That's it. Nothing else. Just 'I would be sad if she died'. What does that mean? Does he love her?
We've both agreed that we would never leave our spouses for each other, and we still stand by that. I would never want to hurt my husband. I love him and he is a wonderful man. I know it would kill him. I have been faithful our entire marriage and he was my only sexual partner. He is a wonderful lover. Ever since me and SC started having s** I haven't wanted or enjoyed s** with my husband.
I don't want to lose either man. I would be devistated and I have serious depression problems. I fear that losing either of them would cause me to go over the edge and hurt or kill myself. When SC's wife.started fighting badly about us (long before we got together, but after we became close friends) he started avoiding me (though he claims he was avoiding everyone- which is not true). I became severly depressed and made my plans tor my suicide. Something happened that stopped me or atleast delayed the act. I went up to him and confronted him about it. We went back to our normal relationship and actually I think we got closer. If I lost him or my husband I fear I will totally lose it.
I know I'm a bad person and deserve to die but I can't help how I feel. I am more attached to my lover and want to spend all my time with him. I am struggling with all this mixed emotions and just don't know what to do.