Why did this happen to me?

I have no desire to work. I am trying my best to find a job but in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to work. I am not interested at all in working for some ** who makes a dollar more than me per hour and somehow thinks that he is better than me.

If I could figure out someway where I could get a check from the government and use it to travel around the world, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I hate the aspect of getting up at 5am to go to a job. Do you want to know what I want to do at 5am? sit in bed scrolling on my phone. Oh and the idea of catching the bus in the cold to go across town to a job that I don't give 2 ** about seriously makes my skin inch.

My mother has been dead for over 10 years now and it still bothers me that she did not leave a will or work enough to where I could get survivors benefits.

I am so tired of struggling to pay the bills every month and if she had just left me some ** money, maybe I wouldn't have to deal with that.

If my mother was here, she would probably say that I was the reason why she didn't leave a will.

My mother was around 30 years before I was born and had more enough time to get her affairs in order. It was not my ** responsibility to make sure that she got life insurance.

I have had to do horrendous things(some NSFW) in order to make money and that shouldn't have happened.

I feel like I was thrusted into a life that I didn't want and I honestly can't afford simply because my mother didn't take care of herself.

I don't hate my mother and I actually hate the fact that she is dead. I am just mad at her for not using common sense when it came to me.

Oh and if I reveal these feelings to anyone, they will get mad at me because you are not suppose to trash black mothers and you are supposed to hold them in high regard and all of them are complete angels.

I love my mother but she could be annoying and whereas there are moments when I treated her bad due to being annoying, there are seriously moments when I DON'T regret how I treated her.

In fact, I would probably still be treating her like that if she was here.

I am seriously a victim of Munchasen's and my mother let everyone under the sun trample on me verbally.

I deserve a ** check for all of the years that I had to endure emotional/verbal abuse from a certain aunt that I had and how my mother almost never checked her.

It is utterly baffling that I don't have anything in term of survivor benefits.

I should have received a check or something when my mother died.

I get mad as ** when I realize that I am struggling and I don't have to, if someone had used common sense.

I am going to go back to my life now where I have to conceal everything that I have stated here.