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I'm not in love with my partner and IDK how 2 break up
Over the past few months I've been falling out of love with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and I sort of properly realised it earlier this week after someone else told a friend I recently got back in contact with about my boyfriend.
I think I might have confused feeling thankful to have someone in my life and platonic love for something romantic when we got together because I had just gotten out of a really bad mental space and he was one of the first people I properly befriended. Even before dating him I kind of liked another guy, but I pushed those feelings away because I thought I was in love with my boyfriend.
And then over the first year he sort of made me his only support system for his mental health and he's said repeatedly that I'm his only safe space and that he is so so in love with me. He's also, not on purpose ofc, sort of made me feel ugly (he made me gain weight bc i ate very little for a very long time before we started dating and then he's just kept forcing me to eat and i've gained sm weight and ew) and he's made me feel like I can't socialise with other people IRL because of his mental health and stuff.
And a few months ago the thought of breaking up with my boyfriend appeared for the first time and I sort of brushed it off because like, wdym myself we love this guy??? and then I started thinking about it and was like.. i wouldn't get the "i kinda dont wanna date him" thought if i was really in love with him.
But then I kind of realised that I can't break up with him because I'm scared he's going to hurt himself or similar because I'm the person he's the closest with and if I break up with him he's probably going to feel lonely as ** and I dont wan't him to feel bad. Plus what if I start to date someone else or in general just start speaking to him less and he then starts getting really depressed or something? Because then that'd be my fault.
But on the other hand I know that I can't really stay in a relationship with him if I really have fallen out of love with him (which like. maybe I'm just overthinking everything lol) because I'll just start resenting him for how I feel (and I think I already sort of have because he's made me feel kind of trapped), and also it's just plain bad of me to try and stay in a relationship with someone I know I actually want to break up with just because I'm scared of what will happen if I do.
I'm also scared I might end up feeling super lonely if I do break up with him, because most of my closer friends live really far away (hours away) and the only other people around are closer to him than they are me, so if things were to go sour or if I misstep I'm scared I'd be left alone and I don't think I could mentally deal with that.
In every heart, there is a room,
a sanctuary safe and strong,
Where we heal from lovers past,
until the next one comes along.
YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE. THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET !!!
1: Transfer all your bank acct assets to a new bank or separate acct.
2: Pack only you most essential clothing and get them to a safe place for later pick up. (Leave least used clothes hung in the closet / adust spacing to disguise any gaps that might be noticed)
3: Order a pizza while watching TV and go out to pick it up and never come back.
....that still leaves 47 more ways to leave your lover.