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I am just sick of prettending
This is going to be long I haven't had a good rant in ages =) I'm sick of bottling things up so that other people can be happy-it seems to be all I do. I cried earlier today and I found that I just couldn't stop.. It's this memory, like this thing that I knew had happened but I couldn't remember the images, I cant explain it but every time I close my eyes its there.
I'm about eight and I am playing with my dolls and my little brother is playing with his teddy. Suddenly the teddy asks my doll out on a date-she says yes because she doesn't want to be mean and then my brother takes my doll and makes them have **. Every time after that his teddy pursues my doll.. I dunno it was like his favorite child hood game or whatever.. I let it go on for weeks.. months. I remember my brother trying to ** off at one point and he showed me his **... he was only six. I was eight.. It was just a game, I don't think he even remembers. Besides I didn't stop it, He just stopped doing it one day, I wondered why at first and then I just felt relieved.
Theres more! :D I'm 15 now and I have liked this guy for about a year at school, but he liked a close friend and used to talk about her all of the time which was just so much fun! (it wasn't fun) I got over him but about a month ago he decides he likes me, but I'm just stubborn and stupid and refuse to like him back. He asked me out on a date and I wanted to say yes but I just couldn't-It was about then that I started to remember all the ridiculous stuff I mentioned earlier.. Eventually I end up liking him anyway and he lets me carry on believing that I still have a chance because he doesn't have the guts to tell me he likes someone else.
So now I go home and pretend that there is nothing wrong with me (which I have been pretending for years) My parents don't love each other and I don't think they ever have but I pretend about that too. Then I go to school and pretend that I'm happy (when I'm really not) And now I have to make out that I don't really like this guy.. so that he wont feel bad..
I don't expect anyone to actually read this all! lol I just really need to let some stuff out, I know there are far worse things to be upset about but I cant help it. So that was my confession... don't laugh at me... =S
70.. I'm ok now.. so yeah just ignore this.. I was upset, obviously :) I hope your all well and happy.
wow 30 page views and nobody has commented, its all true, pathetic to be upset about but true..