I was molested as a child by my

I was molested as a child by my brother.
It went on for several years and I keep trying to tell myself that it's not as bad as I make it out to be. My mom even says that.
But I still stay up sometimes crying so hard that I think I'll crack a rib. And sometimes I hate him so much even though he's said he's sorry. And then I feel even worse about it.
I have problems being around men without feeling like they're going to look at me weird or do or say something sexual to me and I hate it.
I hate this.
I hate him.
God help me but sometimes I just really really hate him for this.
I think of it and I feel so dirty. I feel so much like I want to vomit. I have self-esteem issues. I can't talk to anyone about this. Usually my best friend is the one who understands me most but she couldn't understand. I think this is just something that you have to experience to really understand.
And my mother...I can't talk to her either. She doesn't want to acknowledge it because it happened to her too when she was young. And I think it hurts her too much to be reminded of it so she takes it out on me if I ever bring it up. The one time I told someone it became this huge mess that long story short got my brother's wedding called off and everyone in my family angry with me.
So I keep it to myself. I keep trying to be cheery and happy and smiling so that no one will know and no one will suspect because if they find out they'll think of me differently and I don't want that.
It hurts.
It hurts so much because sometimes I believe what my mom said when she told me that it was just experimentation and that I make too much of it. But then I don't understand why it makes me so sad. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I wish I could just die?
I wish I could say I'm not trying to make a pity party for myself.
Because I think I do.
I want someone to understand.
I want someone to tell me they're sorry and to give me sympathy because it's the one thing in my life that I haven't really been able to at least on some level get over.
It still haunts me. And no one will ever know.

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  • -------------------->>>> get over it now OR GO GET HELP it not that bad because alot of boys do there sister

  • You have to overcome

    D.D

  • You need to get over it. Big deal. You liked it, he liked it. Someone has to be your first. Stop being the victim. No one can see what happened. It isn't like you were in afire and are scared for life. It is just s**!!!!!

  • You have all the right to be angry and sad. I can't believe that your mom told you it wanst a big deal, its a huge deal. I hope one day you can be happy.

  • Its pathetic that most of the people that respond to this post (and similar ones) only do so in order to turn the spotlight on themselves while disguising it with sympathy.

  • Wow. How could your mother treat you like that? It is a big deal. Thats like saying that your innocence is not a big deal. Maybe your mother is as f***** up as your brother. Maybe you need to move in with a family member. And I am glad that the wedding was ruined. You did nothing wrong and I cannot fathom how someone could be mad at you for telling.

  • i know what you mean too. i understand the pain you feel. i used to feel it all the time. but the fact is that it is in the past. try to leave it there. you don't have to (you've got to make the decision not to) live the mindset of the victim any more because you are no longer physically the victim. and if you want someone to love you and if you want help and peace and to be able to love yourself the only thing i can tell you is God. He is a good God and the only one that got me through it all.

  • please don't think that no one understands you. I understand you totally because someone did that to me when i was 10. the past still haunts me once in a while but i learn to be strong. because i can't let other people to ruin my life. those horrible memories and emotions can destroy us. so stand firm and pray to the Lord to help you. God holds the furture. if you think you need help, please talk to a counselor. they will be able to help you out. i will pray for you.

  • you have my sympathy entirely hun, this happend to a friend of mine and she told her family and no one believed her. all i know now is that she is happily married with a loving husband who knows and undertsands a beautiful baby and their own home. i dont think she has much contact with her brother or father but she is happy and you will be in time im sure....S

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