I was molested as a child by my
I was molested as a child by my brother.
It went on for several years and I keep trying to tell myself that it's not as bad as I make it out to be. My mom even says that.
But I still stay up sometimes crying so hard that I think I'll crack a rib. And sometimes I hate him so much even though he's said he's sorry. And then I feel even worse about it.
I have problems being around men without feeling like they're going to look at me weird or do or say something sexual to me and I hate it.
I hate this.
I hate him.
God help me but sometimes I just really really hate him for this.
I think of it and I feel so dirty. I feel so much like I want to vomit. I have self-esteem issues. I can't talk to anyone about this. Usually my best friend is the one who understands me most but she couldn't understand. I think this is just something that you have to experience to really understand.
And my mother...I can't talk to her either. She doesn't want to acknowledge it because it happened to her too when she was young. And I think it hurts her too much to be reminded of it so she takes it out on me if I ever bring it up. The one time I told someone it became this huge mess that long story short got my brother's wedding called off and everyone in my family angry with me.
So I keep it to myself. I keep trying to be cheery and happy and smiling so that no one will know and no one will suspect because if they find out they'll think of me differently and I don't want that.
It hurts so much because sometimes I believe what my mom said when she told me that it was just experimentation and that I make too much of it. But then I don't understand why it makes me so sad. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I wish I could just die?
I wish I could say I'm not trying to make a pity party for myself.
Because I think I do.
I want someone to understand.
I want someone to tell me they're sorry and to give me sympathy because it's the one thing in my life that I haven't really been able to at least on some level get over.
It still haunts me. And no one will ever know.