I'm 17. A virgin. Insecure. Depressed. Sexually repressed. Self-conscious, guilty and alone. Around the age of 5, my cousin brought me and my younger siblings into a room, and began teaching us things that felt good. Masturbation and sexual things. He touched them, but wouldn't touch me. I almost cried. I felt ugly. At the age of 5. Through the years, we began engaging in sexual behavior with each other. Honestly, I didn't know it was wrong until I turned 13. Honestly. Since then, I've been blaming myself for this, my brother(who idolized the man who started it all)blamed it on me and my younger sister. We had a baby sister in 2000. He did things to her. The only sibling not bothered by this abuse was my older sister. I blame it all on myself. I want to have s** when I'm married, but I think I'll be afraid because of what happened to me. In my mind, s** is good, but then again, it makes me sick to my stomach. I m********* sometimes, and then again, I don't, because I'm afraid I might be doing something wrong. I hide my pain and feelings, because this memory keeps me from being who I really am. I'm afraid of myself. Afraid that I will never be able to be truly happy. Afraid I'll never be able to be me. I'm just tired of crying. And therapy doesn't help much. I feel crazy and disgusting and ugly and stupid. I'm tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of complaining, tired of talking.