No love

So when I was in high school, I really wanted a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. But if a guy showed any interest in me, he would lose it the moment he found out I was a virgin. Now that I'm not a vigin anymore, guys lose interest the moment they get s**. I've had fruitless, nonsexual relationships with women who were trying to get back at their boyfriends, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just not the type of person people fall in love with. It's hard when something you want more than anything will likely never happen 50% of marriages end in devorce. I'd take temporary love if anyone were offering.

If anyone comments with a "it's all going to be all right!" I'll come to your house in the middle of the night and set all of your stuff on fire.

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  • I know how you feel because I have never fallen in love either and I am older than you. if you would like to give us a try then please let me know I will leave my email for you. I am malethe way. I wish you the best of luck if you choose not to contact me

  • AAAARGH

  • Yeah, it is a kind of love. Weird. But it's also funny that it isn't just your plight, problems or whatever it's the you that's shown through in our interactions. Despite your best efforts, you seem kind of fun and interesting. I just get bummed when you paint yourself into a corner. I want to scream "just walk on the f****** wet paint." But that's an obvious, predictable answer and does you no good. I wish you could light some candles, put on some music and fantasize as you bring yourself to an exhausting but satisfying o***** without guilt or pain. I wish that would be the first step toward great s** with someone, man or woman. The sort of s** where you don't torture yourself after with guilt, shame or whatever it is that makes you hurt. But it's about more than s**. You have a lot of things that are very interesting about you. People are drawn to that if you let them inside. Don't be afraid. But I suppose that's the same sort of s*** I've been shoveling at you all along, if a slightly different version. But it's sincere.

  • I think you want a woman. I think that is where you will find your best shot at happiness and sexual fulfillment. You need a woman who desires you sexually, emotionally and is at ease with her own sexuality. Hanging around with women who dabble in same-s** flirtations is a waste of time. Most of the time they're doing it to give some dude a b****. Is that a problem, I mean accepting that you are a lesbian and not bisexual? Women will f*** you over, just like men will, but s** won't be painful, will it? Also, I would prefer not to imagine getting kicked in the b**** over and over and over. Some guys are into that but I am not. I am into hot s** without pain. I like pleasing women. I've messed around with men and had some fun but it's women I want. Can't you just commit to the idea you need to find the right girl, rather than wander around miserably confused?

  • I'm not bisexual. I'm pansexual. I like all human genders. And I have absolutey no control over who I have sexual or romantic feelings for. If I fall in love or "like" with someone, I do so totally against my will. AAANnnnd I've had s** with girls, and guess what? MASSIVE V***** PAIN. And I was in love with the girl I f*****, I just knew she didn't love me (or even really like me), so that f***** everything up.

  • Hey, I get it. It's all f***** up. Things are a mess. You are a mess. You're also 19, which means you haven't really experienced s*** in the grand scheme of things. I know, you're saying "all I've experienced is s***." I can see where you would see nothing but misery in your future but who really knows? I hope you find someone who brings your p**** nothing but pleasure and you nothing but happiness. Who knows? You can be pretty funny. You're smart, obviously. Right now it's just one big clusterfuck. F****** A, girl, I get it. Maybe some day you'll open yourself up enough to let someone try to make you happy. That girl you loved, why was that so all-consuming? Why couldn't you just entertain the possibility you could have an enjoyable experience with her, even if she didn't love you back. Maybe she would have eventually but you closed that door. And I also mean it sincerely when I say good luck, you miserable little s***, you.

  • There's no maybe. There's no "some day." I have no faith in anyone, especiall men, especially women, especially love. Especially men. I've wanted to have a lover since I knew what love was. I've wanted to make love since I knew what s** was. It's just...horrible. It's f****** horrible. It's not what I thought at all. Everybody lies, and is selfish, and hurts me so much, and there's no love. I just wish that my body didn't need physical release so I wouldn't have to m*********.

  • God, this sucks. I'm going to stop being so f****** depressed now. I want to express a genuine thank you to this anon who has been talking to me. It's nice to know a stranger is wishing me luck somewhere. So thanks. :)

  • And also it makes me hate humanity a little less to know that some anonymous person on the internet is capable of giving a s*** about someone else equally anonymous. That kind of compassion is a kind of love, in a way.

  • Oh, and since your tolerance level for tired perk-me-up cliches is zip, stop feeding me your version of "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Until you've had your heart ripped from your chest by long painted nails and crushed beneath the spiked heel of some evil b**** you don't know. Yeah, you feel pretty f****** low and useless and like it's never going to be better. You also don't feel like ever putting yourself out there again until you come to the sad realization you're just being a pathetic tool. But mostly you really want to get laid again. There, I couldn't not talk about me for long. Me me me me me.

  • You have a f****** point. I don't know what it's like to have real love and find out it was all a lie, I only know what it's like to have fake love and no s** and find out it was all a lie. If it was real and there had been s**, it would have probably hurt more. People suck.

  • Great, I was hoping I could cut off all avenues to happiness. Now that I've eliminated the possibility of finding true lasting love I'll work on s**. You say you are h**** a lot but the act itself with a man brings physical pain. You have great mental misery after bringing yourself to a climax. You are attracted to women but something's screwed up with that too. Wait, I think you've done all the work yourself on making that unresolveable. But it p***** me off that you've given up on that. I mean s** is great. It really is. It's the s** partners who can be the after-the-fact a****. Yes, people suck. They also blow. But use your mind. Fantasize. Maybe you can use other people instead of the other way around. All I'm saying is get back in the game. Disclaimer: This in no way is intended to imply that everything will be fine.

  • What I'm saying is s** without love causes me intense physical pain. S** is not "great." It. Hurts. My. V*****. Imagine getting kicked in the b****, but over and over and over again. Masturbating is fine, but after I have an o*****, I usually feel intense lonliness or pain. What aren't you understanding about this?

  • And I have fantasies all the time. Allllll the time. And no outlet, because having an o***** alone hurts really bad, and having s** hurts really bad.

  • OK, it's all pretty sucky. In fact, a pile of s*** has been dumped on you. You have tried to dig your way out and keep getting more mouthfuls of feces with each effort. Yuck, that analogy was gross. But you seem pretty self-aware, at least aware of your problems and their roots. That childhood molestation is probably the biggest factor, as you know. That's likely to haunt you in at least some way the rest of your life. I could tell you about my own experience with that but it's not about me. How could I not feel bad for you? Even pity. Man, your twisted accumulation of miserable psychological and physical fuckedness would be tough for anyone to overcome. Is there some way out of that? I hope so. Oops, by "hope" I was thinking of myself not you. Got that? I'm certainly not saying everything is going to be OK, OK? But maybe there are occasional good times, where you smile or even laugh, god forbid. I am fascinated by those Spanish voices you hear when on meds. I mean WTF? It would be interesting to know what they're saying. Maybe it's a subconscious thing, like someone giving you the daily specials at a Mexican restaurant. Maybe it's a thoughtful debate on comprehensive immigration reform. Or maybe it's something sinister like "stab his eyes out, stab his eyes out." Good thing you don't speak Spanish if that's the case. And you see demons. What do they look like? Do you see them in your head or through your eyes? F****** demons. Sorry, but I have not taken my eye off the ball. You are suffering. You see no way out, no chance for solutions or happiness. Everything is NOT going to be OK. You are just some anonymous person but I do think you are interesting. Not in a clinical way, but in a spunky intelligent combative scolding f*** you sort of way. You have that going for you. I sort of like it and I'm sure other people do too. You poor wicked wretch you.

  • I have had a dream where I had to eat s***. Someone told me I had to, and then changed their mind when I was halfway done. I think it's a metaphor for how I hate social situations.

  • I'm sorry I yelled at you, Anon. I don't hate you. Just, f***. Nobody gets it. And certianly nobody feels sorry for me. People usually tell me Everything's Gonna Be Okay, which they have been telling me since I was seven years old. And since I was seven years old, a string of very not-okay things have happened to me. The only thing that's ok is that I'm still alive. I hate hope. If you want to comfort me, can't imagine why, please imagine what it would be like to go through all the things I've described here (that, plus childhood molestation) and just share my pain with me. I'm sorry I'm not more open to hearing your story of heartache--way too into my own issues right now. But right now I'm kind of jealous of you.

  • Sorry. It's just that my life is horrible and you men have no idea what its like to not be able to come. You know that pain you always complain about when you don't get your rocks off? Imagine that, but everywhere, especially your brain.

  • Your situation is horrible. I wanted that four months to be a lifetime. She crushed me. I found my way back. Now I can see some positive from that four months but at the time it ended it was awful. Maybe it was too fast but she had been telling me how much she loved me and seemed to be going in that direction. Then she hooked up with some other guy and told me about him the night after we f*****. How messed up is that? But when I go away, I go away. She came back, saying she'd made a mistake, I wished her luck with her life and moved on. Spanish? Wow, that's totally weird. I feel sorry for you. It doesn't feel good or helpful to say that. But if it helps you in some way it's true. I hope you feel better about everything some day. (I didn't say YOU WILL so cut me some slack.) I still see her standing there naked. Damn she had some bit t***. In fact she was kind of big but I thought she was beautiful. She didn't like to give me oral s** because she'd been abused by her brother and it gave her flashbacks to that. I missed that but was willing to give it up for life, or so it seemed. How about that, missy? How's that for sacrifice? Anyway, your life sucks. There are no signs it will improve any time soon. You have tried everything and nothing has helped. F*** it. I feel like crying. But I also feel happy that I sorta met an anonymous friend who really hates me and everything I say. Maybe I'll check in tomorrow. Bye.

  • Good. Nobody understands. Check.

    Um, I can stick things in my p**** if I'm the one who put them there. I am not revolted by s**. I love s**...in theory. In reality, it f****** physically and emotionally hurts. But I'll endure it, if it means a few more weeks of social contact with a person who never introduces me to his friends or talks to me outside of s**.

    Antidepressents are fun. They make me hear voices in Spanish. I do not speak Spanish. They make me see demons, too. And they're addictive. Fun!

    I have NEVER had a relationship. Ever. Not fake love, not almost-love, not "like". I have never slept with someone I was in love with. I have never slept with someone (or ever even MET someone) who even pretended to be in love with me. I've had women who were "expirementing." Expirementing means you hold hands and kiss a few times and have your partner recoil with disgust when you try to get inside their bra. Instead, count on them talking endlessly about some guy they're in love with when you're trying to connect with them in a personal conversation. And I've had men who wanted s**. That's it. And a whole bunch of unrequited love.

    Start enjoying masturbation? Really? Am I supposed to ignore that soul-crushing depression that washes over me against my will right after I have an o*****? That's when I actually can have an o*****?

    You had four months with that woman. Four. Months. I would cut off a toe for four months, even if I got rejected in the end. Four months! And I wouldn't marry someone after four months anyway. That IS moving way too fast.

    But yeah, I get it. Life is worth living, the sun will keep shining, it's always darkest just before dawn, and maybe some day I'll meet the man of my dreams, I'll be able to have an actual o*****, and I won't walk around a shaking, emotonally fragile, hysterical wreck with a bundle of broken nerves surrounding my c***. Okay. Thanks you guys. I feel all better now.

    ...you know, I would have taken your pity.

  • Can't someone just say my situation is horrible and cry with me? Why do some people have to pretend they know what I'm going through?

  • I guess I see your despair as more than an accumulation of bad life experiences. Your intense desire for and extreme revulsion of s** seem contradictory but they're not. They're part of you punishing yourself. You are doing things you know will cause you misery. You are unable to cope with that misery and that circular pattern of behavior keeps digging you deeper. I'm no psychiatrist but I have enough experience to suspect there is a chemical imbalance within you. That's nothing to be ashamed of, h*** it's way more common than you'd think. Medication can help to put things into better perspective. The v***** pain is probably another story. That's physical, or so it appears. Do you use lube? So, you crave and hate s**. How do you deal with that? You go with your own flow, babe. You call your own shots. You care more about yourself than others. Start enjoying masturbating. H***, it's a natural act that brings you pleasure. You are 19 and your unhappiness is indeed a moment in the grand scheme of things. I have loved, lost, suffered and been used myself. I once had a woman I wanted to marry coldly reject me. We were in bed after having s** and I tried to cuddle. She said not to touch her because she wanted to go to sleep. I was hurt. In the morning I asked her what was wrong. She jumped out of bed and stood there naked shaking her finger at me, saying I was moving too fast. We had been going out for four months. She said she no longer wanted to see me and had met someone else. She stood there naked with her hands on her hips as she crushed my soul. I now laugh about that. I think about how big her bush was and crooked her teeth were and simple her mind was. And I would have married her anyway. I was forced to move on and find my own happiness without her. And I have found much happiness and some misery since. That's life. And it's worth living.

  • I'm desperate for love, basically. I don't mind pity. I get stupid "hope" from my friends, so pity is a welcome relief. I can't have random s**. I mean, I have done it, but it hurts so bad. If I don't trust the other person or if I think they don't care about me, I can't have an o*****. Sometimes there is no pleasure at all, sometimes only horryfing pain (and no matter how many times I explain that I just want to cuddle right now because my v***** hurts guys will still try to have s** with me until I practically scream rape). When I m********* I always feel this deep, swollowing lonliness after I come. I've given up on love a number of times. I've tried just to find a companion. Not someone I'm really in love with, or who really loves me, just a lover, but nobody has ever wanted that from me. I've never had a real relationship before. I don't think I've ever had a second date. I was someone's booty call once, if that counts. I get so lonely when I sleep, because no one is there. And, I have an insanely high libido and s** is pretty much all I think about, so I end up endlessly h**** with no outlet at all. When I was little, my mother told me that s** implies something intimate between two people and I believed her. Guys never tell you straight up that they aren't making any promises. Not before they've come anyway. If I try to start something with a guy, he wants to have s** right away, and if he has s** right away he either moves on or has s** with me for as long as it takes him to get a real girlfriend or get bored. If I wait to have s**, or say I won't want to have s** at all, they stop hanging out with me even sooner, because they want s**. But if I have s** with someone, I start liking everything that they are. I don't call them all the time or anything (maybe I should?) but they become important to me; what they like, what they don't like, what they want for their birthday, ect. I start wantng to be involved in their lives somehow. No one has ever wanted me in their life. All my "breakups" have been one-liners through email or text that end in "do not respond." I just don't want to be hurt anymore. People chose to wallow in the moment because it is not a moment. I have been feeling this way for years; that's a lot of moments. And I try and try again, and it has never reaped any benefits except for an STD scare back in March. It's time I gave up on trying, because if I have to deal with being socially or physically intimate with someone and then have them barely awknolwedge me I might kill myself. I might kill myself anyway. Its too lonely and it hurts too much, but I don't have any courage so I will probably live in my black vaccuum of dispair forever. I will have to find happiness somewhere else, because I'll never find love and s** will never be enjoyable for me. It's just that its always meant so much to me, it's always something I've dreamed of, that's all. A lover. Just a lover. A boyfriend or a girlfriend. Someone to buy a present for, or to hold. Change my facebook status. Even if it only lasted for a few months. H***, even a few weeks would be good. It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but it does to me.

  • First of all don't give up, take a break. Finding love, is sometimes like finding a job. You have to fill out a lot of applications, go on a lot of interviews to find someone that you actually click with. It's a pain in the ass! Everyone is looking for something, and it's hard to not to take it personally when you don't get the second interview. Do you remember the episode of S** In the City where Charlotte says something like..I've kissed so many frogs, Where is my prince already? You're lonely and want someone. But those things that people say..about you get what you're putting out there is true. If you're not happy or not liking yourself, how do you expect someone else to like you? You most likely have great qualities and you're friends and family love you. Some how you have to find a way to be and stay positive about it and going out there. I know you'll come to my house now and burn my stuff. If the coffee dates and meaningless dates aren't working, stop it and change the game. For now, hang with friends and have some fun without worrying about when you'll meet someone. Get on some dating site or activity site (when you're ready).

  • What are you desperate for, exactly? At first it seems like you just want someone to love you for you, and not use you for s** or to make a boyfriend jealous. Then, it seems like you are desperate for happiness and believe every road there is a dead end. Now it seems like you are desperate for attention, or pity, which you say you eat up. Well, you've captured attention here with your talk of suicide. That scares people because many of us know how awful that is, having lost a loved one. I don't know why so many people choose to wallow in the moment, as though it is all that matters. There's much more good and bad to come. Ride with it and the journey will be worth whatever pain you experience along the way. Yes, I have had a lot of random s**. Mostly, it was enjoyable and sometimes it resulted in longer term love and friendship. If a girl felt like I had used her and only wanted her for that, she was right in her own mind but not in mine. She was part of my life experience. I didn't make any promises but if it developed into more than f****** I enjoyed that too. If your attraction to girls is what's bothering you, you are not alone. Gays live with a stigma in our society and many have a hard time coping with that. I'm not sure where you plan to get with your promise to yourself but shutting yourself off to possibilities isn't likely to help in the long run.

  • OK, I wrote that jokey thing about fake love. I was goofing off and did not realize the depth of your despair. I apologize. Your head is in the wrong place. I can't make it better but wish I could. I won't tell you time will make it better because you said you don't want to hear that. You will make it better. You will realize there is a world worth exploring. You will realize temporary pain can be replaced by long-term happiness. You can be better. Give yourself more of a chance. Do it for yourself.

  • ...wtf. How was that a joke? It's so true to reality. It's how a lot of men conduct their relationships. F***, for all I know, it's how all men conduct their relationships.

  • And it's not just guys. I'm bi, remember? It's me. I didn't write this for pity (although I eat that s*** up, I could use some f****** pity). I wrote this so everybody will know that this person, right here, is giving up, and will stop flirting with people and making stupid coffee dates only to get used like a piece of f****** tissue paper. It's to remind myself that she only wants to be my friend, that he's using me for s** like it's been since I was seven years old. This thread is like a promise to myself. One that I will probably break because I'm so f****** desperate, and then end up swinging from a noose tied to the bar inside my closet.

  • How about fake love, would you accept that? I would be willing to have s** with you, pretend it was more than s**, come back for more on a regular basis, always cuddling you afterward telling you how special you are to me. I also would be supportive of your bisexual tendencies, encouraging you to bring another girl into our bed. But maybe you aren't very good at s** and that's why guys lose interest immediately. I would train you. By the time I am done you will be one hot little sexpot. There, I didn't say it was going to be all right. But it will be hot.

  • ...no, that would probably make me cry. Like now I'm crying right now. F*** this. That's probaly what I'd get if I tried to find love.

  • I give up. It's f****** over. I wish it wasn't, but it is. I also wish I had the b**** to kill myself to be rid of this agonizing lonliness and sexual frustration, but I don't. I just wanted you guys to know.

  • So next time someone uses me for their own personal gratification, I will remember this post. I am nineteen. The world is f*****. There is no love here. I give up. I can made up an imaginary friend to hold me and tell me they love me and that everything will be alright and actually mean it. A reminder to myself: Do not engage in flirtations. A relationship or something like it will benefit the other person but will definatelly s**** you right up the a******, sometimes literally.

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