I Can Never

I long to investigate, but fear my own potentials...

I have wanted to be a detective for well over half my life, ever since I read Sherlock Holmes in early elementary school. The challenge of pitting my own ingenuity and intelligence against someone else's, of finding the right pieces and putting them together. The thrill of victory, and of the chase.

But I can't, I won't let myself. Partially, I fear that, with knowledge of the law, it's workings, and the successes and failures of criminals, I would be drawn into trying my own ideas of what works and doesn't. I worry that if I learn the system, I won't be able to resist trying to beat it.

But I have an even bigger fear. I worry that, if I ever get into a position where I have to fight or shoot someone and injure them, I will like it. I fear that, if I end up killing someone, I will find that I enjoyed it. This fear is even more real and has a higher potential than that of succumbing to the temptation of testing my learnings against the system.

I resist my longing for the job as a detective. I am too afraid of the monster I might become.

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  • Thanks for the advice, commenter one. I've tried to write, and I'll get things started, but can never get back into it when I stop.
    Yeah, I know bad detectives get caught. And I'm sure you're right, prison probably isn't too much fun. I have a tendency to be the cat that curiosity killed, though. But it's not so much that part as the last part that worries me.
    Sorry, but the only Dexter I know is the geeky ginger from the kids show on Cartoon Network. And the latin word for "right" -ambidextrous actually means "right handed with both hands". The word sinister was the archaic word for "left", which was associated with evil. But I digress.
    Again, thank you for the support. Very nice of you.

  • Sure. The Dexter is show on Showtime? He's not a detective though, but a serial killer who kills serial killers. Sort of gruesome. I'm blanking on the Dexter on Cartoon Network. What about taking a creative writing class or something to keep you on task? But if writing is not your passion, it makes it hard to stay motivated. You know if you are really in fear hurting someone, why don't you just talk to someone. The fact that you think about the consequences and have a fear about it is actually a good thing. You know often times investigators have to think like criminals in order to be one step ahead. Not saying you're a criminal, but if it's your passion..why not go for it? In regards to feelings of hurting someone, maybe it's misplaced anger or something. Sorry, not a professional. Just throwing out some ideas, sometimes you just have to look into yourself deeper.

  • Do you think you'd become something like Dexter? In real life, bad detectives do eventually get caught and I'm thinking prison won't be much fun. Maybe you should consider writing books or screenplays. You'll have to "investigate"..but no one gets hurt, well accept for the characters you create.

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