I Can Never
I long to investigate, but fear my own potentials...
I have wanted to be a detective for well over half my life, ever since I read Sherlock Holmes in early elementary school. The challenge of pitting my own ingenuity and intelligence against someone else's, of finding the right pieces and putting them together. The thrill of victory, and of the chase.
But I can't, I won't let myself. Partially, I fear that, with knowledge of the law, it's workings, and the successes and failures of criminals, I would be drawn into trying my own ideas of what works and doesn't. I worry that if I learn the system, I won't be able to resist trying to beat it.
But I have an even bigger fear. I worry that, if I ever get into a position where I have to fight or shoot someone and injure them, I will like it. I fear that, if I end up killing someone, I will find that I enjoyed it. This fear is even more real and has a higher potential than that of succumbing to the temptation of testing my learnings against the system.
I resist my longing for the job as a detective. I am too afraid of the monster I might become.