Am I a Monster? It's Just a Matter of Perspective

*A note to lazy voyeurs: this post is rather long, relatively speaking*

If you saw me or met me, you'd probably think that I was just a "good kid", maybe even a "goody-two-shoes". I've actually been told that I am "sweet". People see me as sympathetic, shy, friendly, and intelligent. I make good impressions on people without even intending to. I'm a virgin, don't drink, swear, smoke, gamble, get high, and don't have so much as a traffic ticket to my name. The world sees me as an equivalent of "Sandra D".

What they don't see the person behind the face and below the skin. I can get people to do or say almost anything I want them to, within reason, and think it was their idea. I can get them into believing or thinking what I want them to, again with reason, without them noticing. I can charm, manipulate, lie, and fake easily and inconspicuously.

People turn to me when they want someone to just talk to. I am a "good listener" and "sympathetic". I do so because people spill all sorts of information that may or may not come in handy later. I don't actually feel the emotions I convey.

Actually, I spend more time wondering if I feel anything than determining what I do feel. I have hardly any emotions, if any, but can fake them well. The people who are my "friends" are not actually so. I don't really connect with anyone at all. I just put on the face most suitable for the situation, and adapt quickly to my environment.

I sometimes muse, more out of curiosity than anything, what it would be like to kill or torture someone. I imagine not only the set up and minute details necessary for it to occur, but also the actual perpetration of the actions. I daydream about doing so.

I have a hidden persona that some might consider "bad". I have seen others who exhibit similar characteristics labeled "monsters". It bothers me not. "Good" and "bad", with all other labels, are just so- words applied to those who differ, mere constructs created by society that are highly relative. “Conscience” is simply the distillation of instilled prejudices that echo traditional reiterations of beliefs passed between like-minded persons and their offspring. Reality, not what is seen through a glass, darkly, by the human mind, is not governed by such restrictions.

I have posted this as almost an experiment, the intent of which is twofold. Primarily, it is intended to serve as a foray into the realm of “what if”, to see potential reactions to be expected if my mask should slip. Secondly, it an exploration into my own persona. I have heard that admission of secrets is a relief, and the transcribing of this is an experiment as to whether confession elicits any sort of feelings of remorse, guilt or relief in me. It has not done so.

TL, DR version: I present a face which is not mine to the world. I hide a manipulative, narcissistic, emotionless, disdainful persona with a penchant for what some may label malicious activities behind a likeable, mostly unnoticed façade. I don’t feel bad about it.

Am I a monster? Perhaps, it’s all relative. And frankly, I don’t really care. And so, the latter portion of my aforementioned experiment upon which this post is based has been resolved; the former is for which I now post this.

Feb 23, 2011

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  • Sociopath...

    And I love it. >:]
    Personally, as much as I hate manipulative people, you are one badass m***********.

  • hehehe....I highly agree with the *snicker* comment. It slightly amuses me.
    Most of all, I am much like the poster of this confession. Sadly, though, I did not start out this way; with the lack of sympathy.
    It just happened I guess. Mostly after experiences I would've classified as "horrific" at some point in my past. Mostly traumatic experiences often do cause lack of disjointed emotions that we, as people, are "supposed" to have.
    I would most certainly classify you as a manipulative individual. At the very least, you would be likely to be diagnosed with a psych disorder.
    As to the former part of your experiment.... The socially acceptable thing would be to wish you luck with your findings.

  • You are not a monster, if your a monster, Im a monster. We have the same traits, some people do. You and i are the same, if your telling the truth. Fake or not, you just told the story of my life.

    -Jett Pack

  • Sociopathy. Basically lack of emotions or empathy. Sociopaths often get a kick out of manipulating or harming other people. Often violent. See people more as means to an end than an end in and of themselves. I'd suggest seeking professional help, but they can't really cure you. In all honesty, they'd probably try and lock you up somewhere where you couldn't hurt anyone, out of fear of your being a dangerous person. Although it could be something completely different. I'm not a pyschologist, so I'm not qualified to diagnose. I'd just caution you to avoid falling into the trap so many sociopaths do and giving into your violent impulses. It's nearly impossible to get away with in this day and age, and you'll likely spend the remainder of your life behind bars if you do. Avoid it, and your disorder could likely serve you well in the corporate world (nothing but manipulating other people. Sociopaths do real well with it.)

    for your reading enjoyment

  • Wow, I thought I was the only person who thought like this.
    Although I don't share your ideas of murder or torture, everything else sounds exactly like me.
    I think we "Robots" have to just live our lives hoping no one sees us without our face on.
    I sometimes wonder if I heard my heart, would it tick, or beat?

  • You seem very matter-of-fact about it. Monster? Not sure. Psychopath? Probably.

  • A monster? You've thought about things, does that make you a monster, or just human with a really active imagination. The fact that you are aware of this, means you have some heart. Possibly you are sociopath, for which there is no cure. Although, a sociopath probably wouldn't care to know what others thought.

  • It doesn't seem like they really "care" what other's think. More like they are studying how people would react to them so they know what to expect.

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