Dark Night of the Soul
Those familiar with the phrase in the title already know what's going on. For those not familiar, allow me to try to explain.
A Dark Night of the Soul is a religious experience where God, upon feeling that you are ready, begins to show the Fullness of His Glory to your soul. His might and power radiate out, and your soul is blinded by it. It's an incredibly painful process, as God's holy fire purges your soul of its imperfection slowly, allowing you to see Him more clearly and follow his Will more perfectly. During the dark night, you are frought with feelings of doubt, confliction, and sorrow, at the very least, as your soul writhes in the pain of God perfecting it.
As you've likely guessed, this is what I'm going through now, what I've been going through for months. At first, it was merely religious doubt. The first part of the Dark Night is that God no longer appeals to your senses and you must learn to feel Him with your soul, but until then you are blind to him. The Dark Night of the Senses. What I've begun is the actual Dark Night of the Soul. It's torturous. More than torturous. Almost every night, I find myself sitting alone, unable to force myself out of my room, as I feel God revealing Himself to me. During these periods, I feel as if there are 8 different voices in my head all argueing with each other, until finally 1 voice wins out over the others, and I am brought closer to my Lord, spending the rest of the night wrapped in His glorious peace. But in those hours beforehand, I cannot describe to you the suffering that plagues me. It is unlike anything else upon this Earth.
Making matters worse, demons can feel your soul's vulnerability during this time, and so they set upon me. I have to watch my thoughts every day, because I can't even be sure what's really me thinking and what's a demon that's worked its way into my head. It feels like at least once a day, I have to force out a demon who's taken it upon himself to fill my mind with blasphemous and terrible thoughts. It's truly a nightmare, but I will bear it, if it will bring me to my savior, to my master, to my Father. My spirit feels no rest, and will have no rest, until it rests in my God. But until then, I ask that all my brothers and sisters pray for me to have strength to endure these trials. Pray that I do not fall to temptation, but am able to endure until my Father lifts this veil of darkness and wraps me in the warm light of His love.
May God bless you and keep you safe.