I'm not perfect, and neither is my life.

Well, you wanna know my life.. Here it is.
I was young, and foolish and didn't know any better. i make mistakes everybody does. Everybody has a rough life but some peoples life's are harder. My parents are both smokers and alcoholics. My dad can get very violent when he drinks and sometimes I get hurt. when i was really young my cousin raped me. I was 7 and he was 10. I didn't know any better. My parents found out and beat us. with spoons badly..I stopped talking to him for a long,.. long time. When i was younger I was made fun of constantly called nasty, fugly b****. Fat, ugly, gross, annoying and more. People said they hope i died of aids and i'm a piece of s***. They said i don't deserve to be loved or have any friends. And that we should all just hate me. I was depressed and cried myself to sleep mostly every night. it's terrible when your parents are fighting, you have people b******* at you, and all you have to hug or hold is your own dog. it sucks when your dog runs away too cuz then you really have nothing. In comes 6th grade and I have literally, NO friends. during the 6th grade year somebody or a group of people wrote a notebook full of hatefull, harsh things bout everybody in the grade BUT me... they put my name on the back of the notebook, gave it to the principl and I got into trouble. Everybody hated me because of it. i had people coming up to me and threw my up against lockers and called me a fat b****. people said I stuffed because my b**** were bigger then a lot of other peoples. Groups of people would walk past me and say "stuff stuff stuff stuff". I had no clue what to do. i had no friends, I had nobody to turn to but my sisters and my parents. My parents have their own life and so do my sisters so i had nothing... as time went on, good news came along and things started going good. I got my friends back, and all of the sudden my oldest sister was pregnant. (: oh i was soo happy for her. i was so excited to be an aunt. but as time went on things went wrong... the baby had gotten a rare disease.. eventually we lost the baby. 4 months long, he/she died in her stomach because of fluid sacks surrounding the brain and heart. I could not stop crying for days. I didn't even get to find out the gender because the babys' genetics & everything was way messed up. so no luck for us. as time went on I tried growing stronger. by 8th grade i was getting better and people liked me more. My looks had changed and everything.. of course in everybodies life you will experiment. I sent nudes.. yes I regret it a lot but s*** happens. my school found out and i almost went to juvi for child p**********. I will never ever, do that again. scared the living s*** outta me. I drank, and smoke. yes, i did not care what i did obviously. I smoked cigs not weed. but i only did that stuff to fit in. I didn't want to be hated again and go through h*** once more. So i tried everything in my way to be like everybody else. Freshman year was tough. this is when most of the drama in my life started. you ready? okay.. well... freshman year, is when i started to cut. actually 8th grade i did, but freshman year is when it got worse. here's a tip: don't EVER start cutting, cuz till this day. I still cut and i'm a sohpmore now. It is addicting and a terrible thing to do.. but anyways back to my story. Freshman year, i was really foolish and didn't know anybetter. Obviously i'm going to get into all the bad things because i'm FINALLY in high schoool and want to be like everybody else up there. I was out with my friends drinking and i made a huge mistake. I had s** with multiple guys unprotected... I didn't really understand what was going on. I was completely drunk. MAJOR. The next day i finally realized what had happend and FREAKED out. I just lost my virginity to two guys I don't even care about?.. that don't really care bout me and love me? I burst out crying and didn't know what to do. I texted a couple friends asking what to do and how to handle this. they told me plan b was an option and i told them NO, i will not do that. that night we went out drinking again... of course I would? Again, had s**.. but protected. I'm young, i will make mistakes but i couldn't believe i did that again. What's wrong with me? I f***** up my life. I went home the next day freaking out. will I get pregnant? how am I going to take care of this baby? i'm to young to do this. Do i tell my parents? how do i tell my friends? what will people think of me? all of the questions ran through my mind. Turns out i'm pregnant,.. a couple weeks later i lose the baby. i know i'm not ready to have a baby. God was telling me so. I'm way to young to have a baby i can't afford it if i don't have a job.& i don't have a job. things were rough. I got cheated on, i didn't do good in school at all, I got into fights and called names.. still.a month or two ago i was at a friends house wit two guys who i thought i could trust.. i was just hanging out with them and they suddenly were whispering so i knew something was up... they tackeld me, pinned me to the ground and started taking my clothes off.. I told them to stop but they continued. i told them no several times but they continued.. one of them pinned me town and the other tried to finger me.. I told them stop, I don't want to, no.. many times.. they continued. one of them whipped out his p**** and tried to stick it inside me. I told him no so he stopped surprisingly. He tried to stick it in my mouth and i told him i didn't want to i want my clothes back and I want to leave.. they told my i wasn't going to get my clothes back till i f*** one of them. I told him them whatever, and sat there in a corner. I go to grab my phone and they take it from me and hid it from me so i couldn't text anybody.. by this time i was p*****, cold and sad. I just wanted to leave and go away. Sooner or later i got all my s*** and left.. i had no where to go. i walked around my town feeling like a piece of s***,crying my eyes out.. Did this seriously just happen? I couldn't believe it. by two of my best friends whom i thought i could trust.. I guess not. i finally gave up and told two of my friends.. one of them ran off to their friends annd told them. told them bout me cutting and everything. Now her friends don't like me and think i'm an emo crazy b****. they don't get why i cut,, i cut for reasons.. i'm not a perfect person, and my life isn't perfect either. i have made mistakes in my life and everybody does. I guess i just have to move on with it. I cut for several reasons, my past.. & my present. I feel disgusted with myself and the way i look. I feel white, fat and ugly. i put on lots of make up to coverup my flaws and not get them noticed. i have a disease, thing called Knock-knees.. where you have to get surgery and wear braces on your legs to fix it. My knees go in when i walk and i was always made fun of cuz of that. my butt is also pretty big so i got made fun of cuz of that.. they said i walked like a penguin.. I hated that. they said i had saggy b**** because i had bigger b****. so now i'm self conscience of that. I hate my body, i hate my personality and i had the way i act. i'm stupid, i made horrible mistakes and i'm fake. I try to make myself look good and people say i look beautiful but i still feel fat and ugly. Yes i have changed a lot and lost A LOT of weight, and my looks have changed but it doesn't remove the scars people have left behind in my heart. Of what they had said to me in my life... it's implanted in my brain.. it never leave and i will never forget it.. people just don't get why i do some of the things i do.. it's because they made me this way..

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