I Can't Do This..
I just can't do this anymore. I don't know how to deal with myself. I mean i'm only 15. Why do I have to deal with it? I'm a lesbian and I have such an amazing girlfriend.. I love her to death. But do I love her too much? I sacrifice everything for her. Friends, my wants, my time, EVERYTHING. And when she gets mad at me, its my fault.. ALWAYS my fault. I take the blame to make her happy!
There's this guy who she "hates", but he is like a brother to me. Next year, after he graduates, hes joining the military. So chances are i'll never see him again anyway. She basically forbade me to talk to him.. so I snunk around, and talked to him. He would ask if I was actually "allowed" to talk to him.. and I would tell him No, but I don't care, what she doesn't know won't kill her. But in my head, I felt like the biggest b**** in the world. I love her, and want to make her happy.. NO. I STRIVE to make her happy. But I want to be "brother and sister" with him too. I have given her EVERYTHING I have, emotionally, physically, and mentally. But I have gotten so, so very little in return. She promises me to love me forever.. and we're going to get married some day. But I don't know how long I can live with her controling my life.
We just got into this huge fight about the situation. She gave in and will "let" me talk to him.. Says that I "won". But now shes upset, angry, hysterical.. I hurt her.. I didn't win at all! I've lost. I will always lose. If I don't talk with him, my "brother", I will be upset. If I do talk with him.. She will be upset, making me unhappy because SHE is unhappy. So either way.. I GET HURT.
So.. what do I do? What the h*** am I supposed to do? I guess i'm just going to give up. I'm done with trying to make myself happy. No longer do I care about my feelings. From no on, everyone else is a top priority in my life. I do not matter.
Maybe.. Just maybe, everyone's life would be better if I weren't around.. Should I run and hide? Change my name? Start over clean? My parents don't care.. so they wouldn't start problems. I only have 2 REAL friends.. but they could go on without me.. They'd find a new life. Running away just seems like the PERFECT plan.. but I can't even make my self say it. And if I can't make myself say that.. How could I say suicide out loud? But I think about it.. Is it easy? Is it hard to pull the trigger? Or kick the chair out from underneath your shaking legs? I don't know.. I don't WANT to know.. but yet in some weird way... I do. I do want to know. I want to know what it feels like to hate your life so f****** much to take yourself out of this world. Is it what I feel? Cause I feel pretty f****** bad.. Or is it more. Am I just someone who wallops in self pity. I don't think so.. I just need someone to hear me.. Hear my words.. my thoughts. Hear ME, the real me. Can you hear me? Can you hear my voice in these words? I don't expect you too.. I don't expect anyone to really care about what i'm saying. Just try. Try to see it from my point of view. See the girl who crys herself to sleep most nights. The girl who doesn't WANT to hurt herself in anyway.. but can't help but think about it.. The girl who TRULY LOVES her parents, friends, and girlfriend.. But fears that they won't or can't see the true her.
I don't know what to do. Run? Change my name? Start over clean?