I wish he would tell me

His feelings for me have changed.... I just know they have. I can feel something is amiss. But I can't prove it. It's not in the things he says to me, but in his actions. He says he feels the same, that nothing has changed between us, but he's just busy or not feeling well a lot now when I want to spend time with him.

So I got to feeling really bad about it all and I gave him a hard time... not knowing what to believe. My fears and insecurities came to the surface, I couldn't help it. Now I think my behaviour may actually be bringing about what I fear the most... him vanishing from my life. And he could do it, just like that. And there wouldn't be a thing I could do about it... except lose my mind completely. Crawl into my bed and never want to come out of it.

I don't know if I'm crazy or I'm wrong about what's going on lately. I think I might be hurting him but he just won't say it. I'm pretty sure I'm hurting him. I don't know what's going to happen and it's making me cry a lot lately. Daily, for a while.

I haven't been a good person and I probably deserve whatever is coming to me. If he leaves (and I'm almost certain that he will, later or sooner) it's going to break my heart in two and I will ache for a long, long, long time. And then, ache some more.

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