I this meant to be..?
M heart is dying. Literally, Well, emotionally, technically. It's in pain and I ache. My day's aren't as good as they used to be. I'll start off with the basics: he's my manager, he's engaged, we have this connection, etc. Okay so when I first walked in to my interview a few months ago, he walked in a couple minutes later. I saw him on the outside because the door was glass and you can see through it to the outside. So he asked me "how can I help you?" And I said, "I'm here for an interview with..." And I said his name. Then we had an interview. The "boss" was there watching, training my manager to interview people & yadda yadda yadda. I think we were flirting...I'm pretty sure we were during the interview. I hate eye contact because I think it's just weird. And everytime I look into his eyes, I feel paralyzed. He's VERY handsome. About a few years older than me. When we first made eye contact, my heart sped like crazy (wayyy more than any other "crushes") and I felt connected mind, spirit, body, soul. I'm not kidding. I thought love at first sight NEVER was true, until I met him. And since then, we've had awkward moments everytime we work that same day. We would literally stand side by side (not on purpose) and won't say a word. Yet we'll talk to everyone else around us. And I think he know's I like him. I REALLY want to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid I'll get "rejected" (mostly him laughing it off, that'll p*** me off), or fired. I'm just so confused...I know we're not supposed to fratinize (sp?) about co-workers. And I put myself in his fiance's point of view. That's why I haven't acted on my feelings. And the worst part? I ALWAYS have my feelings under control. But with him, it's a whole new level. When he see's me working, he talks to my co-worker and barely looks at me. I think he's trying not to act on his feelings, but still-that's not business appropriate to ignore someone. But I do see where he's coming from. This situation is so messed up, I honestly don't know what to do. I wear a fake wedding ring to work because we get a million customers a day and they try to flirt with us. We work for a big company...well, as big as it gets. I'm not desperate, I'm not flirting with him, I'm not emotion/suicidal, etc. But I do know that everytime I see him, it's like the first time all over again. There are NO butterflies, it's my heart. It speeds up like crazy (no joke, kind of like a heart attack-even though I've never experience one before). I just need...guidance, help, etc. This might sound crazy, but whatever. His fiance is BEAUTIFUL. I wouldn't understand why he'd be with someone like me more than her. Unless he feels the connection, too. And when we do talk (2% of the time) I barely look into his eyes, because I know if I do, then I'd get paralyzed again and get that "connection feeling." I'm just....irritated at the whole situation. We have meetings before work opens and this one time, he asked me to sit next to him. But 2 minutes later, he stood up because there were no seats left for other co-workers. Basically everyone at work knows about my "crush." I haven't told them about the connection feeling. I tried talking to my friends, they tell me not to think about it. And O-M-Gosh, I seriously cannot get him out of my head! He's like....stuck there ever since we first met. And in a weird way, I feel faithful to him. Like our connection is....idk. I feel like I'm committing a crime if I think about other guys. And I don't have any feelings for anyone else. I don't date unless I have STRONG feelings for a guy. And this is one of them. I've been in infatuated relationships before, and this is not the same symptoms. It's the type of feeling when I want to know more about him. Where he's from, what he likes, his hobbies, future plans, past, etc. Not the "you're cute, let's get together" kind of thing. And to me, the only word to describe him is HANDSOME. Well, there are other words but that's the only word that stands out alone. The best one-word to describe him. I would LOVE to talk about my feelings with him, but again, I'm afraid I'd get fired or laughed at. My siuation freakin' sucks. It's more like an FML kind of thing. And I hate wasting time. I guess the reason why we don't act on our feelings is because 1) I'm sure he's loyal to his fiance (which I don't blame), 2) we both love our jobs too much to risk anything, 3) this is the best job I've ever had. It's both challenging and rewarding. I love the people I work with, etc. So...help please? Lol I'm like, begging on my knees at this point lol thank you soooo much! :)