Kinda Long, Go for it..

I hate seeing everybody around me so happy and living without a care in the world. I'm only 14 and get the whole concept that I have my whole life to worry about things like this but I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk to anyone because I’m afraid to be judged; I cut constantly just to know that suicide isn't my only other option. I don't really care how stupid or immature this sounds because I know I’m not the only teenager who feels this way contently. Who feels ugly, pathetic, fat, and useless, not worth anything. I wonder if I actually commit suicide, who would care. I act like this person who I’m not. Ill be the one that everyone has fun with and the really loud and care free one. On the inside I'm just dying to be whom I was in the past or who I actually want to be. I feel like I’m nothing to even my family since they want nothing to do with me. I don’t really have anyone to relate to either. I’m afraid that I’m going to become like one of those teenage stereotypes that worry about breaking a nail or the ones that crave attention. On top of all that s*** I’m pretty sure I love my best friend. He’s all I ever wanted in a guy but I realized it to late and whenever I’m near him I’m desperate to call him mine and hold him in my arms. He’s not the popular jock type that every girl wants; he’s the guy that every girl ends up putting in the friend zone. Every night before I sleep I imagine how things would be between us if we were dating, it wouldn’t be like my few relationships that were solely kissing and having cute conversations, it would be a amazing one because we can act like total dorks and weirdoes in love. A lot of people would say that I have a fantastic life since every boy wants me and every girl would envy me but in reality I’m a 14yo insecure virgin that everybody portrays as a w**** because of one silly rumor.
The one that everybody would secretly make fun of because I’m a virgin and because I don’t cut all of my classes or even because I stick with converse that I’ve had since 7th grade while everybody follows the trend (Jordan’s, Hollister, Polo, Abercrombie etc..) for no unfathomable reason. I’m that girl who shops in hot topic and journeys and doesn’t wear make up because she thinks natural beauty is pure beauty while she wants to change every little thing about herself. I’m that girl who listens to only rock and screamo while everyone listens to rap and pop and her parents are obsessed with religious music. I'm that girl that her parents wished that she would change completely. Outside of it all I'm actually looking for who I truly am.
I just wanted someone to hear me out without me being criticized or judged..

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  • maybe you should go traveling. well, that's how my friend found herself. she said, traveling really help. it help you change your view of life, change your personality, and help you become who you are. she used to be, well almost like you. she's now more confident, brave, and happier than ever.

    dont commit suicide, please. YOU'RE WORTH IT. YOU MATTER.

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