I feel guilty...

I would like to state first and foremost that every heterosexual person who fantasizes about or is aroused by/at a homosexual encounter is not, by any means, gay/bi/whatever... I feel the same way about homosexuals having the same for heterosexual encounters.

For the better part of the last 2 years, I have had a massive crush on a very close friend of mine. I mean, seriously. I have masturbated to screaming o****** over him so many times, and I also become extremely aroused in his presence. He is the first and only male I have ever felt this way about.

A couple weeks ago, after a series of intense events (including 3 deaths and a family feud), we were partaking in some "stress relief" with alcohol and a special (legal) smoking blend. During the course of the night, we had long talks, listened to music, and were dancing together. Suddenly, the dogs went after the cat, knocking over a bunch of stuff, crashed into him and he flew onto me, we collapsed onto the floor, hitting the coffee table on the way down, and were covered in rum and coke.

We laughed for a while as we soaked up the mess and stripped down to our under-clothes. I told him to get the shower going and I would throw his clothes in the wash...he had to leave to pick up his boyfriend by 8:00 in the morning. So, I get back upstairs, and I hear him call for me - I go to the bathroom, ask what is up, he tells me that he feels dizzy and if I minded being in the room with him. Of course I didn't mind, I was just worried about him. So I go in.

I see him, naked in the shower, and my God...his body. He was semi-erect and beautiful. He is a little wobbly, so I offer my arm to steady him. (I am being respectful and turn slightly away so I don't gawk at what I have secretly been fantasizing about for months). He steadied, so I went to the cabinet to get him a towel, and he steps out of the shower. I turn around and he hugs me...thanking me for being there for him. He is naked and my hand accidentally brushed his c***, and I became very aroused. He said that he was really embarrassed, and was sorry I had to see him naked. I said he has a cute ass, beautiful c*** and fantastic body, nothing to be ashamed of...

He dried off and then pulled on his pajama pants. I felt the mood change. He came up to me and put his hands on my face and said something along the lines of my being his best friend, and he kissed me on the cheek. Then on the lips, and the next thing I knew I was kissing him back. I felt his c*** harden, and I knew I had to stop it from progressing any further. Neither of us were thinking clearly and I knew he would have regret. (I know it was the alcohol, smoking, plus the stress in our lives, combined with the fact that he had just been light-headed and my fantasy-rich crush on him, not an actual attraction.) He is gay, has been "out" for 5 years, I am a lesbian/homoflexible, "out" for 17 years. I am 5 years older than him, married for 13 years (in an open marriage), and he has a boyfriend he has lived with for 2 1/2 years.

Nothing "happened", I know. But the confession is how badly I wish something had. I think about how he looked, felt, and how badly I want to just play with him and make him c**. I told my wife what happened, but she is only vaguely aware that I have as many or as intense fantasies about him as I do. I feel guilty that I think about him in this way...mostly due to not having permission to do so and the fact that the whole reason I saw him was based on a vulnerable situation.

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