I Never Wanted to be Different
You know, I always say that I hated high school and middle school when, the truth is, it wasn’t always bad. There were bad times, but…there were also good times. Like going out at night to dance in the yard, walking in the snow and chatting about things were thought were so important, spending summers always trying out something new…. I think the reason I always think so negatively on my past is because of the things that hurt me and that…I wish my school years could have been like everyone else’s. Where we would get in trouble with our parents for doing things we didn’t even know we weren’t allowed to do and doing things we knew we weren’t supposed to do. But also having fun and going to sleepovers and being silly and just being…a kid. There were so many things that I missed out on and I wish I could do over again.
I keep focusing on that past – that past that I wanted, not the one I have. The one where I was included and not always outcast – not always the last one picked or forced partners with. I say I’m stronger for it, but the truth is…I always wanted to be like everyone else. In some ways, I think I still do. So you can call me whatever, but I just wanted to have those types of friendships – have that high school romance or a summer romance that I would remember, but I never got those. I never got the chance to have the experience. And I think that’s why I do the things I do, now – why I like doing things we’re not supposed to do (like going to abandoned asylums – ha ha); because I’m still trying to live the life I never got to live.
Yeah, we’re still young, but the chance I had to make those school memories to last a lifetime, I never got to have. I look back, see the friendship Kenason and I had and see it fade. People my own age I didn’t really hang out with. And, when I thought I had those friends to last and make school memories with, that all changed in 10th grade…after I only met them in 9th. When they decided I wasn’t the person to hang out with. I kept trying to force myself to change, so I could keep them, but I could never seem to do it. I just wanted people then to accept me for the person I was. I think…I’m still aiming for that.
I guess…I don’t want to be different, anymore.