I'm starting to give up.

So my last relationship was in December I end it with my ex, I finally left and was tired of the abuse I was getting. I really hadn't told any body, I tired been his friend since we were friends before but now as of last night I ended,the friendship, but he has made me feel so guilty for it and I'm tired of it. With the months of us just been friends has been a nightmare, fight , and making me feel like I'm worth nothing.
I have very low esteem, and I feel Every name he has called me is true. I want to move on and try to be happy but I have these walls built high and I was talking to this guy and I snapped and him because I was thinking he was just like all the rest, will this ever fade? Will I let someone in my heart again?
I've delt with it all the cheater, liars, been abused, and hurt. When is it just that I can have honest and true love?
So I'm starting to give up. I am trying new things for myself like going to gym, eating better keeping my self busy, but when I'm not busy and have nothing to do I lock myself in my room and that's when I feel depressed and something is wrong with me. And before all this I just feel I'm at a breakdown again, I hold so much stuff in and don't really tell anyone and when it gets really bad I cut so on Monday I cut again which felt good but next day I felt bad for doing it. I've been doing it on and off since I was about 13 years old. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in a ward away from everyone and anything but I don't. And I drop it and wait for the next break down. Or I just want to run away from my family and everything around me and start over and go somewhere no one knows me.

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