I feel conflicted
Well, I kinda just want to shout this out to the world. I wanna tell everyone whats happened to me so far. I'm only twelve, but what has happened has matured me I guess.. You really don't have to comment, I just wanna get this off me.
About two years ago is when everything started. I was feeling terrible. I isolated myself from my mother and father, everyone. Just talking to them was painful. I would lock myself in my room and just cry. I don't have a clue why, I just did. Soon I was feeling bad again, so I got a screwdriver from downstairs and tried to cut with it. No success. I was really just scared to actually pierce my skin. It made me tremble every time I tried. Later I found a new pencil sharpener from an art kit. I got my screwdriver and un-screwed the s**** that held in the blade. Thats what I used to cut with. They weren't bad at first, they barely even bled. As the year went on, they got much worse. Cutting is the only thing that was on my mind. Seriously. I couldn't focus on anything. Do you know whats that like?? I wanted to kill myself more then anything, and I had no reason for it! It was like I was falling down but no one even saw me, so no ones hand was there to catch me. Sometimes I reached out, but there was nothing there. I needed someone to save me. Eventually I reached out and caught myself, and that's what made me strong.
When I was cutting, I started observing my body in the mirror. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt uglier and fatter. I guess my solution was to stop eating. That was the most stupid decision I have ever made. I know had anorexia, and I cut. Those days were dark and silent. They sent me into a depression deeper then anything i could've imagined. I just needed a hug. :(
When I would cut, I would pray to god to give me strength. I would wander why he would do this to me. Now I realize he didn't do anything. i made myself start and stop. I am now an atheist. My entire family is made up of really, really, strong christians. I can't tell them who i really am because I know theyd think i would go to h***, and itd break their hearts. I will never tell them.
A while ago, I started feeling attracted to girls. That all started when I was ten, I FREAKED. OUT. I thought I was scum, and gross, and i didn't want to be me. i hated myself. Somehow I managed to convince myself I was desperate? That's what gave me relief. Now I am fully accepting of who I am because I'm atheist, and I'm not looking for anyones approval. i am who I am. And who i am is gay. GAY PRIDE BABY, GAY PRIDe.
yesterday i looked in the mirror, and I didn't recognize what I saw. I completely lost who I was during those years of isolation. But whoever the person was in the mirror,she's beautiful. My brain has registered that that person is me. So today I looked in the mirror, and i felt beautiful. Its the greatest feeling in the entire world. I saw the scars on her wrists, and they contributed to who she is.
Now I'm just afraid Ive screwed up my life before I've lived it.