Am i depressed? whats wrong with me?
I feel like nothing at all is enjoyable, any activity just leaves me bored wondering how much longer. i thought i like things like going to the gym, hiking, biking, running, yoga, but i think thats just because im bulimic/anorexic and they give me peace at mind and an artificial high. i also thought i liked cooking but i wonder if thats just because the food i create is "safe". ive had this relationship with food for so long i dont know whats really me and whats my eating disorder.
ironically, the only thing i ever want to do is eat. i dont starve myself, i want to eat even when uncomfortably full. i really just care about calories and quality of food. but i dreamm about just going out getting tons of food. ice cream pancakes brownie donuts and eating away. i could never bring myself to do that, if so i would end up chewing and spitting. i feel like i cant even be fully present in conversations cause im to wrapped into thinking about food whether it be calorie calculations, binge dreaming. its been like this the past 5 years im only 16 i feel like i lost the chance of experiencing a teenage life or even really got to know myself, it controls my life