Affair.. What to do now?

I fell in love.

I fell in love with someone I worked with. For almost a year, we've loved each other, had mad, passionate s**, shared everything. Our deepest, darkest secrets and desires, we've loved each other no matter what. We are exactly what the other needs, and seem to say the exact right things.

The problem? She's married... I'm married. I have two kids. My marriage has been in trouble since... Well, since we said "I do."

The question? What do we do? Do we jettison our lives to be ridiculously happy together? Is it all a sham?

We love each other to the place where, our deepest darkest shames only make us love the other more... And our respective spouses can't stand those thoughts.

Tell me what to do,,, do we let our marriages die off naturally? Do we shut it off and stay with our families?

What do we do?

We have found our soul mates in each other.,, but are pledged to others.

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  • The sensible response is --- and the odds are --- that your view of the new relationship is likely escapist and almost certainly rationalized: escapist, because it allows you a heated, thrilling, no-obligation respite from the realities of your marriages and your lives and responsibilities, and rationalized, because you've both "fallen in love" in a sexually-charged environment where expressing the feeling of love only has risky, negative ramifications outside the room and outside the extramarital relationship. You don't have the downside of a conventional, ongoing relationship because every time the two of you are together it's all about the moment: there's no future and no past. And if either of you decides that the new relationship is insupportable, you can avoid the normal risk of having to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't love you anymore", which is confessoinal, by saying, "I love you, but I have family obligations", which is deflective. That is, when you enter into the presence of the lover, you are entering a world of extreme non-reality, with the added benefit of suspending the reality of day-to-day life with a spouse, which is of course a part of the thrill of an affair.

    That's the objective. The rest of the story is this. It's certainly possible that you and your mistress are "meant to be together". The only way to be sure of that is for the two of you --- together --- to spend time with one another without the sexual electricity crackling in the air, and to honestly and coldly and brutally analyze the relationship you have with each other, and the relationships you have with your spouses, and decide whether the pursuit of the presently-extramarital affair is worth the destruction of your current marriages and families, and the pain it will certainly cause. A significant part of this analysis is to answer the following questions, to yourselves and to the other lover: can I trust myself not to cheat on you? and can I trust you not to cheat on me?

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