Just need to let it out.

I'm in love with this girl (girl a).
She is in love with me.
We just don't work well together.
I had s** with another girl (girl b) twice after girl a made it clear that nothing was ever going to become of our feelings.
i couldnt stop thinking about girl a the whole time.
girl b knows everything about me.
my deepest darkest secrets.
she knows me better than i know myself.
i keep trying to find ways to tell girl a but it never seems like the right time to tell her and i dont trust her.
she has an issue keeping secrets and the things girl b knows she would never tell, but girl a might, especially if you threw some liquor in her.
im so conflicted right now and i just want to be honest but i dont want to lose girl a.
i have so much going on in my life and everything is just piling up.
girl a says she understands what my life is like because of my mental illnesses but when it comes down to having an episode or similar she doesnt understand at all.
she wants to know my feelings but when i tell her it starts fights.
i'm so lost and confused and all i want to do is disappear.

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