I was too Young

I used to live with my mom, who took no steps of caring for me and my little sister, (i am a girl by the way). We ate Raman Noodles pretty much every day, or we'd eat the same thing for 3 meals a day. My mom never walked me to my bus stop, which was about 3 blocks away from our apartment, which was part of an development.
This has, in NO way, anything to do with my mom OR sister. It has to do with a neighbor, who moved in near us. Her name was, let's just say B***** Mary.
I don't remember when it started, it just sparked one time and didn't stop for months.
I was in 3-4th grade when everything happened...
One day she'd talk to me about s**, and how boys got boners and everything. Just out of know where she'd bring it up.
The next we'd get naked (only sometimes) and she'd hump me and I'd lick her b****. Each day pretty much she'd teach something new about giving love. I was so young and little, i didn't know it was a bad thing. Although i did have my suspicions, i liked the way she made me felt, so i didn't tell.
She told me she was doing everything she did to me to 2 other girls in our development, one her age and one older. I knew them both.
Then one day i told, (i had/have extreme anxiety and panic attacks, that's what made me told because i was scared of what could happen if i didn't). I remember the exact words i said when i told my mom, who was taking the trash bag from the trash bin at the time.
"Mom--I have-i have to tell you something--Now!"
So we went upstairs in my room, and i said,:
"B***** Mary had s** with me"
My mom started to freak out and everything..this all happened about 6 years ago. I much older now.
Now i'm scared to ever have s** with a man because of their p****'s. I'm some-what attracted to girls, but i wouldn't say I'm lesbian because I've never dated a girl, only boys.
This has scared me for the rest of my life, and has made it so i don't live with my mom. Well, it was a contribution to the fact i don't live with my mom. And i don't live with my dad either because...i don't know.
My life is so messed up, sometimes i wish I could just sleep and not wake-up, and stay in a dream the rest of life.
No one has to really give me advice, or say how sorry they are for me. I just needed to get this off my chest because i haven't told this story in a while.
If this, in any way shape or form has EVER happened to you, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU TELL SOMEONE!!!! It's a shame & pity that such a collected person becomes torn from touches and words. Life doesn't deserve to be ruined by one person. You don't deserve the pain. You just don't.

****THIS IS NOT MADE UP****

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  • The first comment is a good advice ...you can not let your past goven your future, simple as ...if you are unable to deal with this by yourself find help, (this can often be from the most unexpected places and people, you just have to get out there and find it...), don't know what your circumstance are but if at school join clubs if you are older try volunteering ...as for guys, most of us are fairly simple creatures, certainly not to be feared ...

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