Matt's Smile

Hi, So this is along story. I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years. I love my boyfriend so much, but we've been trough a lot. For starters we are very different people, we always fight over the stupidest things and in the years before we used to break up a lot. Which led to a lot of make-up s**, and well we were very young.. once we forgot the condom and I got pregnant, I was 16. I got an abortion and please if you got anything hurtful to say about that keep it to yourself, it was very difficult for the both of us. We couldn't go back to the relationship we had. so we distanced each other. I traveled to Sweden and stayed with my mom's friend who happened to have a gorgeous 24 year old son. He became a very good friend of mine, I told him about my ex (we were on a break at the time) and the abortion. he helped a lot, he had just lost his father in an accident so i was there for him to. one night he took me to his boat, we just laid there watched the stars and smoke cigarettes. We kissed and it was beautiful. So eventually I came back home and my ex called, he wanted to see me. I told him what had happened and he was very upset he called me a w**** and even told me that he'd turn my life into h***. I guess it was the spur of the moment. He called a week later, apologized and begged me to get back together. I felt guilty and muss confess still very in-love with him. So I said yes. Things picked up and we were happy, very happy for a few months. Then it was summer. You know loots of drinking, peer pressure... his friend told him that he had seen me very gooey with some guy at a party. What really happened is that we danced, he picked me up (off the floor) and twirled, and put me down again, he was a neat dancer and that was really cool, so I laughed and he laughed. That was it. Well my dear boyfriend had been told much more than that, he called me a w**** yet once more and grabbed the drink in my hand a threw it to the floor. Then it all went very fast, my friends were screaming at his friends, he was calling names to a friend of mine and I was crying and sobbing like a little girl, al last a couple of friends took me home and put me to bed. Then I didn't heard from my boyfriend, let's call him Matt, for at least two weeks. It was the summer before college and I had plans on going to Brazil for a year, Matt and I had talked about it and we were sure we could make long-distance work, but after what happened it all crumbled down. I spend those two weeks getting drunk with friends and trying to call him only to get voice-mailed. Eventually he called, he asked for forgiveness but didn't want to get back together since he knew I was going abroad and couldn't trust me. I lost it. I cried in front of him, begged him to take me back, that I couldn't live without him and well all that crap needy girls do, something i had never pictured me for... he said ok. I followed him to Boston for college. I abandoned all my plans in order to be with him, all my friends told me I was being stupid and well I knew they were right but I just wanted to be with Matt. I became very insecure, very jealous, very needy. He broke up with me after two months and this time it was me who called him names and told him I had left everything for him. I went to a college party an made out with a guy whose name I don't even remember, we almost slept together but I was not that drunk. I called a cab and went home. The day after that, the DAY after, Matt shows up and says everything I wanted to hear. He kissed me, he looked at me with puppy eyes and begged for me to forgive all the stupid things that he'd done. He said we could start all over that he trusted me and that he forgave me too. So I didn't say anything about the kiss and we've been together for along time now. Everything is almost perfect, we are gooey and corny. I adore him and I'm pretty sure he does to. But I haven't told him about that kiss. I'm pretty sure it would be the end of us if he finds out. Actually no one knows, just a friend and now you... Can I live with a secret? I really don't know, just when I think I forgot all about it, I remember his hands on my waist, his lips on my neck and then I see Matt's beautiful smile and i die a little bit inside.

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  • I stopped reading on the third line...stop thinking so much, just do.

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