I'm a 26-year-old virgin
I've never even gone past first base.
I live in a very sexually-repressive culture and I think it's not right, not right, not right not to be with anyone for so long. The solution is getting married. But I don't want to get married- not now. Not the traditional way. Not an arranged relationship. Not to a man of my culture who looks down on women and thinks they belong in the kitchen. Not to someone whom I know would put a bullet to his sister's head if she stained the "honor of the family" (i.e. her hymen).
And in my head I don't give a f*** about tradition. In my head I can do whatever I want, but on the ground I'm much more of a coward. My body is a coward. Even when I'm so far away from home, when the nicest man in the world walks me up to my room at 3 am, after we've had four drinks and spent an entire day together. Even after he pauses next to my door and tells me I look Mexican. I wait, I wait, I don't know how to act, I'm too scared. I want him but I'm too scared- scared of his experience, of all the women he's had in his 39 years, of all the men and women I've never had. And eventually he kisses me on both cheeks and thanks me for my company, tells me how nice I am.
That's all I'll ever be.
I'm seriously afraid of dying a virgin. I don't want the men who would expect me to be a virgin who has never been kissed, the men society wants me to marry. I'm not attracted to these men. But with the men I'm actually attracted to, either they are too aware of where I'm from and would never think of me that way, or I am afraid of my inexperience. My inexperience perpetuates fear of experience. I fear this will never end, seriously.
And the worst thing is how badly I want it. I have a high s** drive. And I want men and women. And sometimes I think maybe my bisexuality is only the product of my deprivation.
And the years are passing by.
I want to sleep with someone. But I'm also scared of the bullet being put through *my* head.
What a sad place earth is- one pitiful planet in an immense eternity, where something as casual and natural as s** between mammals is given all this weight, all these meanings, all these consequences.