Friend or for

Awww self awareness... It's a good thing! I just figured out why this is so important to me! Thank god.... That's half the battle right? I was stuck & couldn't figure it out, but I think I just did
I have a lot of different friends. Male & female both. They all fill different roles ya know? Some u party with. Some u shop with. Some u gossip with..
So... Having said all that, This year I lost a friend to cancer. She died thanksgiving day, but right up until then, I had to help her die. I had to talk her through. She'd call me and say.. " I'm scared". It was hard, but I did it. I helped her... I don't regret it, but she's gone now. I have another friend (female) and for professional reasons we are unable to talk. It's not Always gonna be this way, but it is my reality now. My point to all this is...this person was ... Becoming a friend to me! Ugh???? Transference? Idk... But it felt genuine (still in the infancy stages). So there u have it!
Friendships take time to develop, building trust etc... But I have the "void" now, of that one person where I can call & say... Let's go here! U wanna go here? Gym? Movie? i need to chat...
Just talked to my husband... He gets it! He knows I need it & he & I both realize he can't fulfill all those roles. (which we both knew anyway). We r social, we have people over all the time. But there is never that one person where I know... Yep that's my bud there! They've got my back no matter what. Where u can talk without saying a single word?!
So.... That's the issue, right idea... But wrong person I guess! I feel like s***. Just cant rush this stuff. I don't want to hurt this person. Maybe their intentions were to hurt me?
Who knows!!! But I feel better just figuring it all out in my mind. Yes!!!!!

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