I'm 17 now. Ever since I was about 14
I'm 17 now. Ever since I was about 14, I've had this strange obsession with pedophilia. The thought of being raped and hurt by some creepy older man turns me on. The idea of dying in the process doesn't bother me at all, for me it would all be part of the experience, no matter how badly it would hurt.
In most of my fantasies since ninth grade, a man would stalk me for the longest time, get to know me, try to get me to trust him. And I wouldn't trust him, because I'm smart enough to know what's happening, but I'm stupid enough to be overcome by my urges to be hurt and taken advantage of. And I would act like I trusted him, and let him take advantage of me, and he would hurt me, and keep me tame. He would let me go home, and I would never tell anyone, and I would keep going back for him to hurt me more.
But I'm not even pretty enough for this. I'm ugly, and fat. No man would ever stalk me like this, spend so much time hurting me for pleasure.
That's the only thing I regret about having these fantasies...the fact that in them, I act like I'm pretty. I create them in the way that they would happen if I was pretty.